TACKLE FIRST ask questions later!

11:51 AM Kwan hello 11:51 AM Smith sup 11:52 AM Kwan special encounter 11:52 AM Smith mmmm how so 11:53 AM Kwan last friday parking lot 11:54 AM Smith ahhh yes very odd...coworker lingering at back of building, sense something shady going on, black guy pulls up and slams on breaks, puts something in a brown bag in hand of our coworker...very suspicious...your hackles went up and spidey sense tingled 11:54 AM Kwan very odd indeed hahahha 11:54 AM Smith next time, take pictures - blackmail! 11:54 AM Kwan o yea..... 11:54 AM Smith coworker is into illegal activity will pay mucho deneros to silence your tongue and keep photos from HR and police 11:54 AM Kwan Parking lot Joey hahhaha. he's not doing his job conspiracy theory 11:55 AM Smith yep could have just dropped off his lunch lol that's his brother from another mother 11:55 AM Kwan What if we end up ....accusing someone using it for medicinal use fuck i am toast 11:55 AM Smith lol medicinal use pot does not get dropped off behind buildings by black men...LMAO 11:55 AM Kwan yes.....what if I tackled him then ripped open his bag and just a peanut butter sandwich fell out don't i look like a tard then? 11:55 AM Smith For an Asian and a Scot we are both politically incorrect. My best advice, the best defense is a good offense! So if you have to take someone down to find a sandwich, so be it.@

Border Crossing

Dude, you will not believe this...I know a guy who went to Ohio for the weekend with this raging racist...he was dropping N bombs, calling Chinese people Rice Balls and not quietly, they could hear him. I guess cause you two guys are over 6 foot 5 that's why he thought he could get away with it? Pretty much, I had to warn him, I wasn't going to protect him if he kept spewing this racialism out of his mouth...he's a little Italian guy - we play hockey once a week but don't really know the guy...what a dick So what happened? The trip is over and we're driving back across the border and I tell the guy shut the F up. The dude at the border happens to be black. I figure the spagatoni in the back seat has enough sense to pipe down. As we roll up the officer asks if we bought anything while away, we all say yes, two bottles each of verious alcohol. He asks us what type. So we tell him. Then he asks, what is the liquer for. Joey Lasagna in the backseat says all sarcastically it's for mixing with the coffee to make it LESS BLACK! I almost fainted...the guy immediately tells us to pull over! What a moron!!

10:16 AM Kwan are u at your desk 10:16 AM Al yes on phone 10:17 AM Kwan ok, i have something very funny to tell u regarding Mr. Balding 10:17 AM Kwan Kwan's file i was in the washroom all of a sudden i hear someone huffing and puffing then he chucked his jacket on the floor and his bag next to my stall out of frustration, he slammed the toilet sit classic so far! Then he starts moaning and groaning........he squeezed out Mr Hanky Each extrusion...he would gasp in satisfaction with a big Ahhh.... I hope after you read this story, u can still talk straight face on the phone....Good luck and the END 10:55 AM Al I just read this...wow why did he slam the bag down? 10:55 AM Kwan i think his shit is about to come out badly - it's got to be born 10:56 AM Al hhhalmost didn't make emergency exit! CLASSIC! PS - I RECORDED THE SOUNDS ON MY IPHONE...you won't believe it's human 10:57 AMGene Kwanyes

Microsoft Instant Messenger At the Office

Mr. Sing
u and I cracked teh funniest joke
hahaha
many "leaving the room" ocasssions

9:14 AM Mr. Smith
like the time I pretend to help the projector brown guy
and he says god bless
make me feel guilty
laughed so hard my cheeks hurt
I wasn't even lifting as he struggled to install the projector, must have thought I was weak

9:15 AM Mr. Sing
o yea.....
LMAO

9:15 AM Mr. Smith
my lack of proffessionalism is astonishing and my lack of committment to team play

9:15 AM Mr. Sing
only the brown guy doing all the work

9:22 AM Mr. Smith
that too, we witness humor first hand and create it when necessity dictates

9:23 AM Mr. Sing
hahhaha..........
we notice tiny little things
no one else does

9:23 AM Mr. Smith
follow my new tweets
they will get funnier after my final interview

9:25 AM Mr. Sing
hahha
balloon and canvas man
then uncle see us doing it....
question in his mind, why why? Why did they suicide on my watch? Was I that bad a manager?
then he straps a balloon on his head as well...and joins us...
the end

9:30 AM Mr. Smith
LMAO

9:30 AM Mr. Sing
hahahaha
still the funniest

Interview with a VP

Man feeling uncomfortable in suit walks into the VP's office.
"Hello Mr. Smith, welcome, please sit down."
"BBBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPP!
Nice to meet you too Mr. Belcher. That was my ice breaker. Cool eh?"

Gotcha guns fire as Mr. Smith laughs like he has just landed the job.

The End

Iphone Hell

Coworker1: "Listen to this! (Points at iphone device with giant microphone)
"PFTTT PFFFFFFFFFFFFTT pip pFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT. Ah...ahhhhhhhhh mother of God"

Coworker2: "What in the fuck is that?"

Coworker1: "That was slammer in the can. I recorded his fart before he shat. His PSI must be well over 2oo lbs per square inch to create such force."

Coworkers: "LAUGHING...ages and ages of laughing....belly pain causing laughter...have to leave office and find meeting room that is empty to laugh even more."

Repeat Playback for others:
Monday afternoon, Tuesday at 10 am, Tuesday at 11:30 am...Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and even at noon with wife.
Friday at 2:30 PM - playback for another manager

Be Careful Who You Trust

Environment - Manager baffled by with work ethic and output of a senior consultant

Scene 1: A manager is confiding in one of his most trusted senior staff members. "You know something, when I give you, Bob and Sara work to do, I don't have to worry. It gets done in a timely manner. But that Karl, I don't know. I gave him an assignment to do yesterday and....I don't know, I don't think he understood what I was asking."

Scene 2: Senior staff member has a bubble over his head. "I know...Karl is a one man wrecking crew in here. He does NOTHING. My manager has taken over a year to figure this out. Damn!"

Scene 3: Trusted Senior staff member speaks privately in a whispered conversation with Bob. "Hey, Karl just got found out. Uncle Stevey our fearless leader finally clued in. Why don't we get paid more?"
"Just shut up, keep your head down and we'll survive this catastrophic recession."
"Ok Bob."

Scene 4: "Hey Karl, how come you never complete assignments, you never do them right and you don't even listen to what the big boss man wants."

"Bob, I have some wisdom to pass on to you. You will never again be asked to do something if you dog fuck it, clusterfuck it and just ignore the fuck out of it. Now begone, I have some serious surfing to do, the Gap has a sale coming up."

Scene 5: A light bulb shatters above Bobs head and he faints.

Lesson Learned: Never do anything you are asked to do above and beyond your exact work description. Any item that falls in the "other tasks as deemed necessary..." just don't do it. You will live a long yet not very properous life.