Coworker1: "Listen to this! (Points at iphone device with giant microphone)
"PFTTT PFFFFFFFFFFFFTT pip pFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT. Ah...ahhhhhhhhh mother of God"
Coworker2: "What in the fuck is that?"
Coworker1: "That was slammer in the can. I recorded his fart before he shat. His PSI must be well over 2oo lbs per square inch to create such force."
Coworkers: "LAUGHING...ages and ages of laughing....belly pain causing laughter...have to leave office and find meeting room that is empty to laugh even more."
Repeat Playback for others:
Monday afternoon, Tuesday at 10 am, Tuesday at 11:30 am...Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and even at noon with wife.
Friday at 2:30 PM - playback for another manager
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Be Careful Who You Trust
Environment - Manager baffled by with work ethic and output of a senior consultant
Scene 1: A manager is confiding in one of his most trusted senior staff members. "You know something, when I give you, Bob and Sara work to do, I don't have to worry. It gets done in a timely manner. But that Karl, I don't know. I gave him an assignment to do yesterday and....I don't know, I don't think he understood what I was asking."
Scene 2: Senior staff member has a bubble over his head. "I know...Karl is a one man wrecking crew in here. He does NOTHING. My manager has taken over a year to figure this out. Damn!"
Scene 3: Trusted Senior staff member speaks privately in a whispered conversation with Bob. "Hey, Karl just got found out. Uncle Stevey our fearless leader finally clued in. Why don't we get paid more?"
"Just shut up, keep your head down and we'll survive this catastrophic recession."
"Ok Bob."
Scene 4: "Hey Karl, how come you never complete assignments, you never do them right and you don't even listen to what the big boss man wants."
"Bob, I have some wisdom to pass on to you. You will never again be asked to do something if you dog fuck it, clusterfuck it and just ignore the fuck out of it. Now begone, I have some serious surfing to do, the Gap has a sale coming up."
Scene 5: A light bulb shatters above Bobs head and he faints.
Lesson Learned: Never do anything you are asked to do above and beyond your exact work description. Any item that falls in the "other tasks as deemed necessary..." just don't do it. You will live a long yet not very properous life.
Scene 1: A manager is confiding in one of his most trusted senior staff members. "You know something, when I give you, Bob and Sara work to do, I don't have to worry. It gets done in a timely manner. But that Karl, I don't know. I gave him an assignment to do yesterday and....I don't know, I don't think he understood what I was asking."
Scene 2: Senior staff member has a bubble over his head. "I know...Karl is a one man wrecking crew in here. He does NOTHING. My manager has taken over a year to figure this out. Damn!"
Scene 3: Trusted Senior staff member speaks privately in a whispered conversation with Bob. "Hey, Karl just got found out. Uncle Stevey our fearless leader finally clued in. Why don't we get paid more?"
"Just shut up, keep your head down and we'll survive this catastrophic recession."
"Ok Bob."
Scene 4: "Hey Karl, how come you never complete assignments, you never do them right and you don't even listen to what the big boss man wants."
"Bob, I have some wisdom to pass on to you. You will never again be asked to do something if you dog fuck it, clusterfuck it and just ignore the fuck out of it. Now begone, I have some serious surfing to do, the Gap has a sale coming up."
Scene 5: A light bulb shatters above Bobs head and he faints.
Lesson Learned: Never do anything you are asked to do above and beyond your exact work description. Any item that falls in the "other tasks as deemed necessary..." just don't do it. You will live a long yet not very properous life.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
CLAW HAMMER
Environment - Celebration Meeting for Five Years of Service
Scene 1: Group of eight people and a manager with a laptop attached to an overhead projector clapping as one employee with a fake orange tan receives a gold wrapped box for five years of service with the company.
Scene 2: He opens the gift to display his 105 piece tool set. Included in the gift is a claw hammer with a sponge grip for comfort.
Scene 3: Asian American turns to the Obese Caucasian. "What do you think he will use this for?" Both begin to Giggle. Obese man replies..."After five years service they hand out weapons to employees? He will use it to tear open skulls of other employees! It's a way the company keeps down it's population."
Scene 4: Asian American is laughing as he points out, "With that sponge comfort grip, the employee wouldn't get carpal tunnel when he is tearing out his coworkers skulls. These companies think of everything!"
Lesson Learned: When providing gifts for employees, ensure the safety of all when choosing from a catelogue!
Environment: Support Centre
Scene 1: Manager speaking, "Come into my office, I would like to show you something."
Employee Walks into the office and watches the manager pull out his USB hard drive from his pocket. With an evil grin the manager begins typing and moving folders around in windows explorer. "Look at this!" The manager points at his screen.
Scene 2: Employee silently screams. The manager is holding an automatic weapon with bullets wrapped around his waste. "Um...it's ah....pretty cool."
Scene 3: Manager shows an AVI file of him shooting the gun with red tracers at targets.
Scene 4: Scared shitless employee faints. The next day he quits...fearing for his life.
Lesson Learned: When showing pictures that you want to impress someone with, think of the consequences of your powerful position over that person.
Scene 4:
Scene 1: Group of eight people and a manager with a laptop attached to an overhead projector clapping as one employee with a fake orange tan receives a gold wrapped box for five years of service with the company.
Scene 2: He opens the gift to display his 105 piece tool set. Included in the gift is a claw hammer with a sponge grip for comfort.
Scene 3: Asian American turns to the Obese Caucasian. "What do you think he will use this for?" Both begin to Giggle. Obese man replies..."After five years service they hand out weapons to employees? He will use it to tear open skulls of other employees! It's a way the company keeps down it's population."
Scene 4: Asian American is laughing as he points out, "With that sponge comfort grip, the employee wouldn't get carpal tunnel when he is tearing out his coworkers skulls. These companies think of everything!"
Lesson Learned: When providing gifts for employees, ensure the safety of all when choosing from a catelogue!
Environment: Support Centre
Scene 1: Manager speaking, "Come into my office, I would like to show you something."
Employee Walks into the office and watches the manager pull out his USB hard drive from his pocket. With an evil grin the manager begins typing and moving folders around in windows explorer. "Look at this!" The manager points at his screen.
Scene 2: Employee silently screams. The manager is holding an automatic weapon with bullets wrapped around his waste. "Um...it's ah....pretty cool."
Scene 3: Manager shows an AVI file of him shooting the gun with red tracers at targets.
Scene 4: Scared shitless employee faints. The next day he quits...fearing for his life.
Lesson Learned: When showing pictures that you want to impress someone with, think of the consequences of your powerful position over that person.
Scene 4:
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
CANADIAN GOOSE
Environment: Outside of Support Center Building
Scene1: African American lady is driving in a car and sees a group of Canada Geese walking across the road. She remembers that birds usually fly away as you drive and continues to accelerate.
Scene2: Puff of feathers and birds go crazy! She stops her car. Gets out and stares in disbelief. Back in Kenya, a bird would fly away when a car comes.
Scene 3: A second Canada Goose comes over and looks at the dead one and starts honking. It seems upset.
Scene 4: African American lady remembers a scene from National Geographic. "Canadian Geese mate FOREVER!"
Scene 5: She gets back into her car, backs up and then drives over the second bird.
Scene 6: A sign zooms in. Killing a Canada Goose is punishible by a $2500 fine. Ignorance of the law is no excuse.
The End
Lesson Learned: If your spouse takes one for the team - don't act too upset - you never know who is watching!
Environment: Inside Apartment
Scene1: Asian American lady is peaking through her blinds. She babbles in Chinese and asks her husband to wake up. She shakes his toes. He grunts in Chinese.
Scene2: 10 Minutes Later - Asian man realizes his wife is still looking through the blinds. He walks over and peaks out. He sees a car bouncing. He looks closer, he can see two white couples having sex inside the car.
Scene 3: He is fiddling with his camera, a super zoom camera. He looks disapointed. "I can't see them in my lens!"
Scene 4: Asian Americans so turned on by the voyerism...they are having sex in their bed now...violently.
The End
Lesson Learned: Always carry a night vision camera lens...always!
Environment: Meeting
Scene1: Asian American sitting beside obese Canadian
Scene2: Obese Canadian rubs Chinese man's head like a little yellow pet.
Scene 3: Asian American is purring like a cat
Scene 4: Manager sees this - looks confused...then cancels the meeting immediately and everyone leaves the room.
The End
Lesson learned: ???
Scene1: African American lady is driving in a car and sees a group of Canada Geese walking across the road. She remembers that birds usually fly away as you drive and continues to accelerate.
Scene2: Puff of feathers and birds go crazy! She stops her car. Gets out and stares in disbelief. Back in Kenya, a bird would fly away when a car comes.
Scene 3: A second Canada Goose comes over and looks at the dead one and starts honking. It seems upset.
Scene 4: African American lady remembers a scene from National Geographic. "Canadian Geese mate FOREVER!"
Scene 5: She gets back into her car, backs up and then drives over the second bird.
Scene 6: A sign zooms in. Killing a Canada Goose is punishible by a $2500 fine. Ignorance of the law is no excuse.
The End
Lesson Learned: If your spouse takes one for the team - don't act too upset - you never know who is watching!
Environment: Inside Apartment
Scene1: Asian American lady is peaking through her blinds. She babbles in Chinese and asks her husband to wake up. She shakes his toes. He grunts in Chinese.
Scene2: 10 Minutes Later - Asian man realizes his wife is still looking through the blinds. He walks over and peaks out. He sees a car bouncing. He looks closer, he can see two white couples having sex inside the car.
Scene 3: He is fiddling with his camera, a super zoom camera. He looks disapointed. "I can't see them in my lens!"
Scene 4: Asian Americans so turned on by the voyerism...they are having sex in their bed now...violently.
The End
Lesson Learned: Always carry a night vision camera lens...always!
Environment: Meeting
Scene1: Asian American sitting beside obese Canadian
Scene2: Obese Canadian rubs Chinese man's head like a little yellow pet.
Scene 3: Asian American is purring like a cat
Scene 4: Manager sees this - looks confused...then cancels the meeting immediately and everyone leaves the room.
The End
Lesson learned: ???
Thursday, April 16, 2009
PAINT FUMES
Environment: Support Center
Scene1: Support Staff complain about paint fumes stinking up the office and circulating around the room. People complaining of headaches and nausea.
Scene2: Staff reports to the SHE group, they didn’t believe us due to one Bangalore Canadian made a false claim once before and played a joke on them while claiming he smelled farts in the middle of the night...when no one was around.
Scene 3: Staff in Support Center start puking blood, scratching their eyes out (one staff also yells for help, cornea detaches from her eye due to the strong paint fumes) Morbidly obese man even farts a copious amount of blood.
The End
Lesson Learned: Being of Asian descent in a foreign country is extremely difficult. Make sure you're rights are not being abused.
Scene1: Support Staff complain about paint fumes stinking up the office and circulating around the room. People complaining of headaches and nausea.
Scene2: Staff reports to the SHE group, they didn’t believe us due to one Bangalore Canadian made a false claim once before and played a joke on them while claiming he smelled farts in the middle of the night...when no one was around.
Scene 3: Staff in Support Center start puking blood, scratching their eyes out (one staff also yells for help, cornea detaches from her eye due to the strong paint fumes) Morbidly obese man even farts a copious amount of blood.
The End
Lesson Learned: Being of Asian descent in a foreign country is extremely difficult. Make sure you're rights are not being abused.
BECEL TEMPTATION
Environment - Office with cubicles
Scene 1: Manager looks out of his office and calls down to one of his employees. Notices one of the employees bent over in the other employees lap. His two best workers are not answering.
Scene2: Rewind. Employee with Becel spray in his desk is Morbidly Obese and trying to lose weight. He has weight watchers pamphlets all over his desk. He says to his Asian Obese coworker. "If I butter up my belly button...think your head would fit inside?"
Reply: "I don't know, let's try?"
Scene 3: Manager comes by the desk and is shocked. Asian Obese man's head is stuck in Morbidly Obese employees belly button. It looks like a giant asshole engulfing his head.
He finally pops out with a huge suction sucking sound and his face is greesy...covered with hair and butter juice.
Scene 4: Four months later. Morbidly Obese man is in an interview."Explain to me Mr. Smith why you left the last company you worked for?"
"Umm..."
Scene 1: Manager looks out of his office and calls down to one of his employees. Notices one of the employees bent over in the other employees lap. His two best workers are not answering.
Scene2: Rewind. Employee with Becel spray in his desk is Morbidly Obese and trying to lose weight. He has weight watchers pamphlets all over his desk. He says to his Asian Obese coworker. "If I butter up my belly button...think your head would fit inside?"
Reply: "I don't know, let's try?"
Scene 3: Manager comes by the desk and is shocked. Asian Obese man's head is stuck in Morbidly Obese employees belly button. It looks like a giant asshole engulfing his head.
He finally pops out with a huge suction sucking sound and his face is greesy...covered with hair and butter juice.
Scene 4: Four months later. Morbidly Obese man is in an interview."Explain to me Mr. Smith why you left the last company you worked for?"
"Umm..."
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Out In The Cold
Environment - Layoffs occurring
Background - Terminated Employee is a 55 year old obsessive compulsive, sometimes suicidal, believes his bio index and horoscope rule his daily moods. He has collected so much junk he can't walk through the door of his house and turn to the left. There is a trail to the kitchen and to the washroom.
Scene 1) Man standing outside a set of glass doors with his face pressed against the window.
"I need my keys. LET ME IN!"
Scene 2) Administrator is in tears at the front desk. Security gaurd is standing ignoring the man's pleas for help.
Scene 3) Terminated employee's belongings start to fly away in the wind.
Scene 4) Manager and HR consultant bring his coat out. Both can't look in his eyes.
The End
Background - Terminated Employee is a 55 year old obsessive compulsive, sometimes suicidal, believes his bio index and horoscope rule his daily moods. He has collected so much junk he can't walk through the door of his house and turn to the left. There is a trail to the kitchen and to the washroom.
Scene 1) Man standing outside a set of glass doors with his face pressed against the window.
"I need my keys. LET ME IN!"
Scene 2) Administrator is in tears at the front desk. Security gaurd is standing ignoring the man's pleas for help.
Scene 3) Terminated employee's belongings start to fly away in the wind.
Scene 4) Manager and HR consultant bring his coat out. Both can't look in his eyes.
The End
Outsource This!!!
Environment - Service Desk
Scene 1: Two MOFB's on a normal work day see layoffs going on around them. Big G MOFB loses his mind. Rumours are ensuing that the service desk will be outsourced.
Scene 2: Big G runs down to the corner office to speak with his VP. He rushes in and rips his shirt up showing off his round jelly roll belly and two shining saucer nipples.
"OUTSOURCE THIS!" He screams. Then he starts crying, shits his pants and runs off back down the hall to the washroom.
The End
Scene 1: Two MOFB's on a normal work day see layoffs going on around them. Big G MOFB loses his mind. Rumours are ensuing that the service desk will be outsourced.
Scene 2: Big G runs down to the corner office to speak with his VP. He rushes in and rips his shirt up showing off his round jelly roll belly and two shining saucer nipples.
"OUTSOURCE THIS!" He screams. Then he starts crying, shits his pants and runs off back down the hall to the washroom.
The End
TSN Turning Point
Environment - Due to a significant event (layoff) these two survivors’ lives have changed dramatically forever.
Recap: they used to joke about pumping their own heads full of lead but now, they think of pumping their competitors full of lead instead. New movie “Saw VI” instantly popped up in their mind. I must cherish my job/life
These two men, after work, head to Shoppers Drug Mart and purchase rubber surgical gloves.
New Term: MOFB – Morbidly Obese Fat Bastard
Scene 1: Two MOFB come into work (normal work day). They start seeing their co-workers getting calls to attend a mysterious mandatory meeting. Both of them felt left out, so they complain to each other.
Scene 2: Co-workers that attended the meeting never came back, so both of them begin mumbling about what happened? Big A said to Big G “ You didn’t know yet? Big G scratches his belly and says “No, what?” Big A “Our friends are being terminated!”
Scene 3: Big G instantly looks shocked. Big A also can't believe what has happened. As they check the employee user accounts in Active Directory, list of terminations increase dramatically.
Scene 4: Both are in disbelief, both act like trauma patients in ER. Big A starts shredding his underwear in front of the African American lady. Big G starts spitting on Obese Bald guy’s head. Everything just turns to chaos.
Scene 5: Within a split second, these two used to joke about popping their brains across a canvas has changed. They have started to “cherish” their jobs. They no longer want to target themselves as a joke anymore. They start to think about going after their prey (co-workers).
Note: They know that HR is getting hit with terminations today, so they know they only have a narrow window of time to do whatever they want without getting in trouble with HR.
Scene 6: While co-workers are diligently working on phone calls, these two start by sneaking up behind them and “scream”. They just want to see how their co-workers will react. They want to calculate the time between the scream to the time registered by the brain. (experimenting – treating co-worker as test subject)
Scene 7: Big A goes behind them to scream while Big G takes out a stopwatch. Email lady helps record the time elapsed.
Scene 8: Big A says, "I couldn’t scream any more my throat hurts! What else can make a big bang noise??” Big A pulls out a Remington A850 – with a big label on the bottom “Made in China” Big G was surprised but says “Interesting, feasible, just do it...”
Scene 9: While Big A gets it ready. Big G goes over to Obese Bald Guy and says “Do you want to participate in an experiment?” Bald Guy says “sure”. (Of course he has no idea what they are going to do to him.)
Scene 10: Before the experiment begins, Big G takes out some sort of script from his back pocket and reads it out to O Bald guy
1) Any last words? – Bald guy replies “why?” Big G said “Don’t worry about it, nothing just a standard question”
2) This experiment might inflict some level of pain but it should be ok – Bald guy replies “What kind of pain?” Big G said “Not something you would experience in a daily basis but you should be fine.”
3) Do you agreed to participate in this experiment? – Bald guy replies “of course, sounds exciting” – BG signs the agreement but Obese Bald guy forgets to read the fine print
a. This experiment will include making a large hole to your forehead
b. This experiment will include u not be able to see your family again
Scene 11: After agreement signed, Big A proceeds to put a canvas in front of the monitor, straps balloon all over Obese Bald guy’s face and carefully places the A850 behind his head. Then the lever is pulled.
Scene 12: A beautiful painting is made in front of our eyes. Big A has surgical gloves on and asks D (another coworker who is not too intelligent) to do him a favour. “Can you hold the A850 for me?” D says “ok” Police come in and see D holding the A850, they instantly tase him and bring him down like a rabid bear.
The End
Lesson Learned: Tumultuous times not only change your surrounding but it can also change people’s lives. So - do you cherish your life yet?
Recap: they used to joke about pumping their own heads full of lead but now, they think of pumping their competitors full of lead instead. New movie “Saw VI” instantly popped up in their mind. I must cherish my job/life
These two men, after work, head to Shoppers Drug Mart and purchase rubber surgical gloves.
New Term: MOFB – Morbidly Obese Fat Bastard
Scene 1: Two MOFB come into work (normal work day). They start seeing their co-workers getting calls to attend a mysterious mandatory meeting. Both of them felt left out, so they complain to each other.
Scene 2: Co-workers that attended the meeting never came back, so both of them begin mumbling about what happened? Big A said to Big G “ You didn’t know yet? Big G scratches his belly and says “No, what?” Big A “Our friends are being terminated!”
Scene 3: Big G instantly looks shocked. Big A also can't believe what has happened. As they check the employee user accounts in Active Directory, list of terminations increase dramatically.
Scene 4: Both are in disbelief, both act like trauma patients in ER. Big A starts shredding his underwear in front of the African American lady. Big G starts spitting on Obese Bald guy’s head. Everything just turns to chaos.
Scene 5: Within a split second, these two used to joke about popping their brains across a canvas has changed. They have started to “cherish” their jobs. They no longer want to target themselves as a joke anymore. They start to think about going after their prey (co-workers).
Note: They know that HR is getting hit with terminations today, so they know they only have a narrow window of time to do whatever they want without getting in trouble with HR.
Scene 6: While co-workers are diligently working on phone calls, these two start by sneaking up behind them and “scream”. They just want to see how their co-workers will react. They want to calculate the time between the scream to the time registered by the brain. (experimenting – treating co-worker as test subject)
Scene 7: Big A goes behind them to scream while Big G takes out a stopwatch. Email lady helps record the time elapsed.
Scene 8: Big A says, "I couldn’t scream any more my throat hurts! What else can make a big bang noise??” Big A pulls out a Remington A850 – with a big label on the bottom “Made in China” Big G was surprised but says “Interesting, feasible, just do it...”
Scene 9: While Big A gets it ready. Big G goes over to Obese Bald Guy and says “Do you want to participate in an experiment?” Bald Guy says “sure”. (Of course he has no idea what they are going to do to him.)
Scene 10: Before the experiment begins, Big G takes out some sort of script from his back pocket and reads it out to O Bald guy
1) Any last words? – Bald guy replies “why?” Big G said “Don’t worry about it, nothing just a standard question”
2) This experiment might inflict some level of pain but it should be ok – Bald guy replies “What kind of pain?” Big G said “Not something you would experience in a daily basis but you should be fine.”
3) Do you agreed to participate in this experiment? – Bald guy replies “of course, sounds exciting” – BG signs the agreement but Obese Bald guy forgets to read the fine print
a. This experiment will include making a large hole to your forehead
b. This experiment will include u not be able to see your family again
Scene 11: After agreement signed, Big A proceeds to put a canvas in front of the monitor, straps balloon all over Obese Bald guy’s face and carefully places the A850 behind his head. Then the lever is pulled.
Scene 12: A beautiful painting is made in front of our eyes. Big A has surgical gloves on and asks D (another coworker who is not too intelligent) to do him a favour. “Can you hold the A850 for me?” D says “ok” Police come in and see D holding the A850, they instantly tase him and bring him down like a rabid bear.
The End
Lesson Learned: Tumultuous times not only change your surrounding but it can also change people’s lives. So - do you cherish your life yet?
Friday, April 3, 2009
KWAN FILES
NON-STANDARD SERVICE REQUEST
Environment: Service Desk
Scene 1: Scientific Applications consultant just walks into the Support War Room and asks for walk-in service. (This consistent behavior by passes the established process of phoning in problems.)
Scene 2: Service Desk Manager comes out of his office staring at the Sci Apps consultant, “What are you doing? Why are you disturbing my staff?”
Scene 3: Manager turns around silently and walks back to his computer and he starts entering two online forms. They are iService requests to have the Sci Apps consultant’s knee caps taken out.
In the iService Request:
“Staff, when processing this request, please open this request as Non-Standard Non-Validated request. Please assign to Dante, he will be the change builder. CIRA will be filled in by Dante. “
(Note: CIRA – Castration Induced Rectal Aggrivation)
Scene 4: Next day. The task goes into the system with a Target Resolution Time of 24 hours. Before it can breach, the change ticket SLA is properly executed, the Sci Apps consultant has both knee caps permanently removed and sent back through inter-office mail.
Lessons Learned: Never under estimate the power of those around you. Many actions can trigger unexpected reactions (Newton’s Third Law).
50% OFF?
Setting: Service Desk Environment
Scene 1: A Senior Staff member is working diligently taking phone calls on his wireless headset while typing furiously into his computer.
Note: General appearance: bald middle aged obese individual. (Friar Tuck bald)
Scene2: An African American woman co-worker calls his name, “Dante”, got a question fa you. The BO (Bald Obese) man replies “Shoot, what’s up?”
Scene3: African American woman asks straight up, “When you go fo a haycut, do you get 50 pacent off?” Her co-worker instantly lights up, his face turns purple and he begins fuming. He slams his fist into the desk obviously insulted by the innocent comment that was just made.
Lessons Learned: Never ask question to an individual that will highlight his/her shortfalls, insecurities and/or disabilities.
Environment: Service Desk
Scene 1: Scientific Applications consultant just walks into the Support War Room and asks for walk-in service. (This consistent behavior by passes the established process of phoning in problems.)
Scene 2: Service Desk Manager comes out of his office staring at the Sci Apps consultant, “What are you doing? Why are you disturbing my staff?”
Scene 3: Manager turns around silently and walks back to his computer and he starts entering two online forms. They are iService requests to have the Sci Apps consultant’s knee caps taken out.
In the iService Request:
“Staff, when processing this request, please open this request as Non-Standard Non-Validated request. Please assign to Dante, he will be the change builder. CIRA will be filled in by Dante. “
(Note: CIRA – Castration Induced Rectal Aggrivation)
Scene 4: Next day. The task goes into the system with a Target Resolution Time of 24 hours. Before it can breach, the change ticket SLA is properly executed, the Sci Apps consultant has both knee caps permanently removed and sent back through inter-office mail.
Lessons Learned: Never under estimate the power of those around you. Many actions can trigger unexpected reactions (Newton’s Third Law).
50% OFF?
Setting: Service Desk Environment
Scene 1: A Senior Staff member is working diligently taking phone calls on his wireless headset while typing furiously into his computer.
Note: General appearance: bald middle aged obese individual. (Friar Tuck bald)
Scene2: An African American woman co-worker calls his name, “Dante”, got a question fa you. The BO (Bald Obese) man replies “Shoot, what’s up?”
Scene3: African American woman asks straight up, “When you go fo a haycut, do you get 50 pacent off?” Her co-worker instantly lights up, his face turns purple and he begins fuming. He slams his fist into the desk obviously insulted by the innocent comment that was just made.
Lessons Learned: Never ask question to an individual that will highlight his/her shortfalls, insecurities and/or disabilities.
Friday, March 27, 2009
The Kwan Files - Sick Office Humour
ARTIST RECRUIT
Scene 1: East Indian in Mumbai is at a computer terminal and reads an ad for an artist for sick office humor. Computer Screen says Craigslist – “Comic artist desired for new concept. Please do the needful."
Scene 2: Starts jabbering in Indian – types reply to ad in computer, “THIS IS UNHOLY!”
Scene 3: Asian Canadian and Morbidly Obese Canadian Gwylo are on floor LAUGHING in their open concept service desk for troubleshooting remote computer problems. The reply is flashing on their screen. Bubble over the MO Gwylo says “Our first artist has refused the work! HAAAAA HAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
The End
LAST REQUEST
Scene 1: Funeral, two children are crying - a boy and a girl. There are lots of Italians dressed in black looking sombre. Very emotional setting.
Scene 2: Man of Asian Canadian descent bursts into the ceremony at full speed wearing butt-less chaps, lipstick, red and black eye shadow that is smeared with tears. He runs up to the coffin, his buttocks bouncing shamelessly with cottage cheese dimples. He embraces the dead man ….
and gently caresses his hair…purring “Pretty…oh pretty!” in a high pitched, very gay voice. Then just runs out of the funeral home crying…
Scene 3: The curley haired son looks at his sister who is distraught and confused. “Why?” They both looks to the heavens for an answer…
Scene 4: Mother staring wide eyed with confused expression.
(Little does anyone know that the MO Gwylo and Asian man had a deal. If one of them died, they had to act out this scene. This scenerio actually affected their work as they thought about it and wrote it down. Man hours lost - 3. Cost of actual wasted company time - $240.00. ROI - $0.0. Creating a blog in tumultous times at work - priceless.)
The End
SUICIDE ART
Scene 1: Manager is in his office at the service desk centre – open concept cubicles without any privacy. Manager walks up to an employee and says “Why aren’t you taking calls?” He points to the screen which has a yellow number 3 on the board. His angry expression is enough to make the others turn. The Managers hair is like mad professor…sticking up in dissarray– his giant horny owl eyebrows are raised.
Scene 2: The employee (who happens to be the MO Gwylo) reaches under his desk with a newly provided cabinet – brand new installed that day. He opens the drawer, removes a small sawed off shotgun – Remington 235…then places a hat with inflated paint filled balloons on his head in a variety of colors. Then he places a paint ball in his mouth.
Scene 3: MO Gwylo pushes a button on his desk, the roof panel slides open and reveals a large art canvas above his cubicle.
Scene 4: The employee takes the gun, places it under his chin, and blows his head off. The paint and brain matter create a colorful display on the canvas.
Scene 5: - Three months later. The manager in his office, eyes wide with shock. The veins in his eyes are POPPING out like a cartoon. His hands are shaking….and he's foaming at the mouth…white face. "Why? WHAT DID I SAY..."
The End
CORD BLOOD
Scene 1: Wedding scene. Father of the groom stands up to do a speech. He pulls out a cooler with a biohazard symbol on it. “Ahem! I would like to say thank you for attending today and will start my speech by offering my new daughter in law a precious gift I have been saving since the day little Johnny was born. You will all notice a small piece of dried meat on your plates…please take this as an offering to the new couple.”
Scene 2: People eating…
Scene 3: “I have saved the umbilical cord since the day my son was born to protect him from future diseases. I was able to share some of that with you today. It is now time for you Cindy, to bear the responsibility to save my son one day should the need arise.”
Scene 4: A man screams like a young girl in the front row and women start yelling and throwing up. “What the FUCK! Are you kidding me? FACK! It’s cord man…fucking cord! Why? WHY?...”
The End
BATHROOM SCENE 1
Scene 1: Employee is in the shared office toilet releasing a large dose of air and gas from his a-basket. Texting using his phone while sitting on the toilet.
Scene 2: Door opens, another Employee walks in and then another. Employee B walks by the stall and says aloud “Oh…I guess we’re going to make this a short visit!!" He then laughs and walks out.
Scene 3: The employee in the stall has his eyes wide open…he mouths the words "Oh...My...God...what did he mean by that?"
Scene 4: Employee goes back to desk in the support centre…discusses with Asian American friend.."I think I stunk up the can man!"
Scene 5: Asian American friend – aka Banana says – “No there is a closed stall in the bathroom…you didn’t evacuate him, he couldn't use the toilet because it's broken."
"Ohhhhhhh!" A lightbulb goes on above the Gwylo's head
Scene 5: Both start laughing.
The End
BATHROOM SCENE 2
Scene 1: Employee walks into a bathroom. Sees the first door is closed, moves to the second door, opens it and sees a large amount of feces…what appears to be brown “cow intestines” floating in the toilet.
Scene 2: “OH GOD!” Jumps back as if slapped in the face by an invisible ghost, and runs out of the washroom.
The End
FLANK STRAP
Scene 1: Narrator Voice
Preface: Serious voice like Lorne Green - “Bull riding is a rodeo sport that involves a rider getting on a large bull and attempting to stay mounted for at least 8 seconds while the animal attempts to buck off the rider. The rider tightly fastens one hand to the bull with a long braided rope. It is a risky sport and has been called "the most dangerous eight seconds in sports."
Scene 2: A rider mounts a bull and grips a flat braided rope. After he secures a good grip on the rope, the rider nods to signal he is ready. The bucking chute (a small enclosure which opens from the side) is opened and the bull storms out into the arena.
Scene 3: The bull bucks, rears, kicks, spins, and twists in an effort to throw the rider off. When the ride ends, either intentionally or not, the bull fighters move in to protect the rider from harm. He runs toward the fence and the clowns move in to distract the rider.
Note: There is a heated debate between animal rights organizations and bull riding enthusiasts over many aspects of the sport. The first controversy is over the use of a flank strap. The flank strap is placed around a bulls flank, in front of the hind legs, and encourages bucking. Critics claim that the flank strap encircles or otherwise binds the testicles of the bull. However, others note that the flank strap is anatomically impossible to place over the genitals; as well as unrealistic, pointing out that the bull's genes are valuable and that there is a strong economic incentive to keep the animal in excellent reproductive health. Further, particularly in the case of bulls, an animal that is sick and in pain usually will not want to move at all, will not buck as well, and may even lie down in the chute or ring rather than buck.
The End
PERFORMANCE ANXIETY
Scene 1: Employee in Managers office, points a weapon at his boss…says KNEEL! Then he opens the door and yells at a large round bald headed man slumped in his chair. “Get over here NOW!”
Scene 2: Bald obese man waddles over to the office.
Scene 3: Employee with the gun yells at a large obese woman in the office. “U TOO! Get over here…NOW!”
Scene 4: She trudges toward the office in a slow almost elephant like manner. The office door closes.
Scene 5: Office scene - “You two have to fuck right now!” The two look at each other, scared.
Scene 6: The bald obese mans lip quivers…”Oh God…how can I perform for THAT!” He points at her…crying now. Ashamed expression, looks at his own genitals, his hands cover them.
Scene 7: Employee in office gets mad, he starts pointing his weapon at BO man again.
Scene 8: Baldy expresses helplessness – that is his facial expression, “I ccann’t. I really ccann’t, please don’t force me, half of the time, I can’t even find my genitalia.”
Scene 9: Obese office woman looks at BO with disgust. Obese woman talks to herself silently, “I thought I was going to get some today…..”
The End
PLUMBER BUTT
Scene 1: Employee bent over at his desk tying his shoe.
Scene 2: A second employee walks by behind him, looks over, look of utter disgust mars his features.
Scene 3: Another employee walks by, sees the other looking at something, sees his expression and then looks down too. Another disgusted expression. Man 1 says to Man2 “You made me look! You made me SEE THAT! Oh my god!” Man starts rubbing his eyes trying to clean the image out.
Scene 4: The employee bent over realizes they have seen his plumber butt. He shakes his butt and points at the hairy crevice. “Do you want to put your face in it?” Smiles gleefully, shakes his butt and goes back to work at his desk typing uselessly.
The End
TUMULTUOUS TIMES
Scene 1: Two men in a car driving and chatting, time shows 12:00 PM noon on the dash. They suddenly both start screaming and the man says, “Holy SHIT!”
Scene 2: Car drives fast and hits breaks before a large oil tanker truck.
Scene 3: Fire burning and a man trapped under the wreckage of the car…legs are completely trapped under the car. A fireman runs up, looks over the hood at this legs, turns and vomits, “oh, oh my god…oh…oh no.”
Scene 4: Man pulls out a cellphone, dials a number…”Hi Jane, this is David. I think I’m going to be a bit late coming back from lunch today. Please forward my calls and update my outlook. Oh no, I shouldn’t be too long.”
As he is speaking, the other man, somewhere off screen, it moaning…”help me, oh lord…why did you accelerate! WHY! WHY!!!!! ARRGGGHHHHHH!!!”
Caption as scene fades to black.
“Joe average cannot afford to be late, nor can he afford to be off work in these tumultuous economic times. Mr. Average…was off work for six months and he never walked again but at least he made the effort to notify his employer.”
The End
THE BELLY BUTTON
Scene 1: Two men at a desk. One is very fat around the waist. The other is Asian and is squinting and grunting. He is pulling something long and wet and sticky. Then he curls his noise.
Scene 2: A manager walks up and stares at them inquisitively. He asks, “What are you two doing?”
Scene 2: Both men pull out guns and balloon hats with a stick that has an art canvas attached to it. The Asian says, “I find your tone to be very condescending…”
Scene 3: Both men pull the triggers and their brains and colored balloons splatter the canvas.
Scene 4: Six Months Later: Psychiatrist office with the Manager– “Why would they do it? I was asking a simple question…?” Crying, he places his head in his hands
OLYMPIC TRAINING
Scene 1: Olympic Season – Service Desk environment. Summer Olympic track event is broadcast on the projector. Manager thinks this is a good use of the $500 projector bulb.
Scene 2: An African American lady walks in and gets excited when she sees the Track event with one of her favorite sprinters “Usane Bolt.” Outburst from the African American lady “You see. He is clearly African descent from the tone of his skin color. “Why do they run so fast?” Faintly from the back of the room “Because they get chased by lions and they have to run for their survival. It’s survival instincts.”
Scene 3: Another support staff (Asian decent) turns away instantly blushing and laughing. The amount of laughing and blushing can be compared to the American Idol judges laughing while watching William Hung’s performance.
Scene 4: African American lady asked the Asian guy, “Why are you laughing?” Asian guy laughs further and has to leave the room.
Scene 5: Non-technical email lady jots some notes into her spreadsheet.
The End
POLITICALLY INCORRECT
Scene 1: Call Center Environment
A group of staff discussing how hard it is to differentiate a couple of front line Desktop Support staff.
Scene 2: Manager comes in and overhears the conversation and he notices that they mention broken words like desktop, Dante, Tyrone, Louie......all three men are African Americans.
Scene 3: One of the call centre staff bursts out and says, “me too!” I find it sooo hard to differentiate who’s who...I don’t know why really...”
Scene 4: Manager makes a weird face and with his eye brows raised, says “Is it because of color?” One of the call centre staff instantly turns away blushing and is hardly able to contain himself.
Scene 5: The non-technical email lady glances at the laughing colleague again and secretly writes down the time/minutes spent on laughing in her daily spreadsheet.
Scene 6: Later on at night. Small section on the news states that “Joe Smith, Manager of a call centre has been caught attending a K3 meeting. He was caught because his son refused to wear the pointy hat and police caught them arguing on a fairground while others fled the scene. Police were brought to the scene due to complaints because a giant burning man hung in a tree began to spread fire to neighboring houses. No casualties.
The End
NO LAUGHING!
Scene 1: Lady at Support Center was Jealous and frustrated with two support center staff consistently giggling and laughing all the time at their desk. Huddled over and hissing with laughter. (The lady start writing down the time the minutes they was giggling, creates a spreadsheet of hours lost for the company to this behavior.)
Scene2: Lady turns red with anger. She confronts the two jokers, “What the hell are you two laughing at now?”
Scene 3: The two jokers ignore her like she was invisible and continue laughing, they have to leave the room.
Scene 4: Lady slowly walk toward the manager’s office
Scene 5: Meeting room, two guys are on the floor laughing. Someone pops their head in…then just closes the door.
Scene 6: The two jokers return to their desk in a serious manner
Scene7: Lady is in Managers office, has graphs and illustrations with hours worked vs time spent laughing. She was discussing this in detail with the manager in terms of corporate hours/minutes that they spent laughing. “This year alone, they have wasted 103 hours EACH! EACH! For God’s sake…how can they continue this behavior on your watch?”
Scene 8: Manager glances through the blinds from his office. Concerned expression. Rubs chin. There is a bubble above his head…”The two jokers are taking production down calls very seriously. They are my best two workers…I go to them for everything….if they are my most efficient and have wasted a week of work on laughter, then what about my other workers? What are they doing?”
Scene 9: Manager turns to Lady: “How can it be? They are such good worker? Leave it with me, I’ll run some stats and check their numbers and I’ll get back to you.” She leaves. He throws out the graphs in the garbage and starts laughing.
Scene 10: Lady returns to her desk still huffing and puffing
The End
DISHONESTY IN THE WORKPLACE
Scene 1: Messages sent using Outlook which is internal the companies MSN Messenger.
From: Suzie Mcracken Sent: Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:32 AMTo: John Smith; Pong Li; Doogie WisemanSubject: funeral again
"The Pieman was off yesterday for a Funeral – so…the guy dies Tuesday – Wed Morning the Funeral – Yeh Right.. Italian but no wake? Suz"
From: Pong Li Sent: Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:34 AMTo: John Smith; Suzie Mcracken; Doogie WisemanSubject: Re: funeral again
"I know, I despise dishonesty. John would you like to join me in the meeting room and help me strap the balloons to my head? Pong"
From: John Smith Sent: Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:36 AMTo: Suzie Mcracken; Pong Li; Doogie WisemanSubject: Re: funeral again
AND, I’ve been to these funerals, you go for two hours at most, even for close cousins...I’ve been to four with grace...it doesn’t take the whole day!
JS
From: Suzie McrackenSent: Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:48 AMTo: John Smith; Pong Li; Doogie WisemanSubject: RE: funeral again
"Not My family
First funeral –
Then graveyard
Then back for reception – Normally a big drunk up.. Mom’s family Irish dad’s is finnish– Dan Polish…..
Suz"
The End
NO LIKEY
Scene 1: Messages sent using Office Communicator which is internal the companies MSN Messenger.
Suzie Mcracken [10:54 AM]:
You missed a good One.. Jane says anyone get a call from Jeanette Hornblower? I say yes!
Then she said, “Ask her what is wrong with her phone, she just called me twice and got cut off after I said hello?”
John Smith [10:57 AM]:
I don't get it...you mean she hung up on Jeanie? Oh...wait I get it...she won't deal with Sarah….
Ouch! Is she that bad?
Suzie Mcracken [10:54 AM]:
Elroy And I started giggling, many users tell me they hang up on Sarah unless they’re desperate.
P.S. I cannot believe someone would fake a funeral to get an extra care day - I am so disgusted!”
Pong Li [10:58 AM]:
i ask myself why?..as I strap the balloon to my head....how can ppl like him get away with so many funeral attending off dayzzzzzz
The End
DO WHAT ADULTS DO...
Scene 1: Topic with the Octo Lady who just gave birth to eight children is circulating around the Service Desk staff.
Scene 2: African American lady walks in to the room, “What are you all talking about??”
Scene 3: Asian man replies “We are talking about the VIVID deal for the lady that just gave birth to 8 kids”
Scene 4: African American lady asked “So, what is the deal?” and “deal or no deal?”
Scene 5: Asian man replied “ One Million to do an adult film”. AA lady replies “ What is an adult film? What do they do in it”
Scene 6: Asian man scratches his head to a point that he can almost smell his brain tissue on his finger nail. Smirking inwardly he replies “ Well, they usually just do what “adults” do. They are usually in action, hard to describe it in work terms. I don’t want to cause trouble.”
Scene 5: AA lady asks again “I have no idea what they do in an adult film, I just don’t?” While the Asian man smells his finger nails. Asian man just totally ignores the AA lady.
The End
IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO GO, IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE!
Scene 1: Obese man pops a blue capsule in his mouth at his desk. Sips some water and goes back to work typing with a wireless headset on.
Scene 2: Close up of a package of Xenical capsules.
Scene 3: Long fart noise. Obese man looks happy. Smiles and looks around. Then a shocked expression on his face!
Scene 4: Waddles to the washroom
Scene 5: Close up of his chair. Large oily orange stain on his chair.
Scene 6: Man is in his car. He is changing his pants. His genitalia is in the air as he tries to pull his pants on. A good looking coworker walks by and does a double take.
Scene 7: Close up of the anguish on the mans face.
Scene 8: Obese man on his cell phone, “I am now providing you with my resignation. Please do not question as to why. Just believe me when I say this is for the best.”
The End
SOCCER BALLS IN THE OFFICE
Scene 1: Help Desk environment, open concept. Man is sitting at his desk. A soccer ball suddenly drills him in the side of the head. He looks around. No one is laughing or moving.
Scene 2: His face goes red with rage and there is a purple spot on the side of his face. He gets up, tries to yank a metal folder tray on the side of his cubicle. He can’t rip it off. He looks around, one of his collegues Asian descent looks over and points to the guy behind him.
Scene 3: Man storms over to the man on the phone, slaps him as hard as he can across his face. “Don’t you ever do that again! If you ever do that again I will destroy you!” Slams door and room shakes.
Scene 4: Overweight manager with a bad toupe looks confused. “what happened?” There is mayonnaise dripping from the corner of his mouth.
Scene 5: Man with handprint on his cheek looks up…eyes watering. Lips quivering. “It was my fault. Don’t worry about it.”
The End
WAS TED ROGERS GAY?
Scene 1: An Asian Support Staff was using Rogers High Speed internet at home. All of a sudden, his connection got disconnected. Outburst of anger; profanity; then he went to bed huffing and puffing.
Scene 2: Next day, Asian man puts his phone on “not ready” and phones Rogers Support during work hours. As usually, “press 1 – English....press 2:.....etc” Asian man murmur in his mind “What the fuck is this? Fucking fucktard Ted Rogers”.......
Scene 3: Asian man finally gets connected to a Support Agent. Asian man is already huffing and puffing and blurts out in anger “Why was my internet terminated last night?” Rogers Support Agent replied: “Can I please have your name, postal code, date of birth, size of your testicle,...etc” So Asian man patiently answered all the questions. Finally Support Agent asked: “ How may I help you today?” So the already pissed off Asian man said “ My internet was disconnected last night, what the fuck is going on?” Without any sympathy from the Agent, Support Agent said “please do not swear at me or I will hang up”
Scene 4: Angry Asian man, “Listen you piece of shit, tell me why my connection was disconnected?” Agent answers, “Because you exceeded your quota, so we have decided to suspend your account” Asian man yells out loud “What the fuck?”
Scene 5: Asian man rolls his eyes and he can’t believe the answer he just got from the Support Agent. So the Asian man asks a simple question “Is Ted Rogers gay?” Support agent can’t believe he has been asked such an unprofessional question. Asian man elaborates, “The reason I am asking is because, with the service I receive from Rogers, I am constantly getting fucked in the ass and I get screw over by you, so it really only imply that Ted Rogers must be GAY...”
Scene 6: Support Agent mutes his phone and starts to laugh. His supervisor came to him and ask him why were you laughing during work in a demeaning tone of voice. Support Agent face instantly turned red and felt embarrassed, he instantly pulls out a sack of balloons, straps it on his head and pulls out a 44 Magnum and instantly blows his brains out.
Scene 7: Supervisor jaw dropped and reacted in disbelieve. “Why? Why?.....”The End
The End
SUPPORT TERMINATION ON HOLD
Scene 1: Support Staffs are complaining how cold it is in 1510-2021. A Fellow staff called facility without notifying his manager.
Scene 2: Facility came in and jacked up the temp to 75 F.
Scene 3: Support Staffs are all complaining about how HOT it is. Some even strip off their cloth and start swinging it uncontrollably. The room was so HOT, an Asian staff’s eye even changed from slanted to non-slanted.
Scene 4: The person who called Facility was instantly called in the manager’s office. While they were arguing behind closed door. Weird thing stated to happen with the rest of the staff in the Support Center.
Scene 5: Support Center staffs complained that they start getting migraine, hallucination, hot flashes... One staff was yelling out: “please get this thing out of my head” The man didn’t even finish his sentence. He pull out a Colt45 and pumped his head full of lead.
Scene 6: This act of survival seems so natural. Other people followed. One after another... Manager was shocked and he thought it was a prank at first.
Scene 7: Manager opened his door, the smell of HOT blood was unbearable. Brain were all over the place. Manager asked WHY? WHY? What have you done? Why did you turn up the heat... (after this the thermostat was never touched again...)
The End...
PRACTICAL JOKE IN TUMULTUOUS TIMES
Note: Layoffs are Imminant
Scene 1: Man dressed in police uniform is an actor. Comes in to remove a staff member saying he has been fired. (Just a practical joke)
Scene 2: Actor representing the HR department says, “We have found some files on your computer that are both unprofessional and deeply disturbing. DO the “KWAN FILES” come to mind?
Scene 3: Man screams, “We wrote a bunch of stupid jokes?”
Scene 4: HR Pro, “You are fired. Here is your letter.”
Scene 5: You are under arrest Mr. Smith
Scene 6: “My package, my package? What about my package.” Man screams and tries to fight the police as he is handcuffed…
Scene 7: They reach the front of the building, “Surprise!!” Fireworks go off, and some balloons are released into the air.
Scene 8: Man faints
The End
Scene 1: East Indian in Mumbai is at a computer terminal and reads an ad for an artist for sick office humor. Computer Screen says Craigslist – “Comic artist desired for new concept. Please do the needful."
Scene 2: Starts jabbering in Indian – types reply to ad in computer, “THIS IS UNHOLY!”
Scene 3: Asian Canadian and Morbidly Obese Canadian Gwylo are on floor LAUGHING in their open concept service desk for troubleshooting remote computer problems. The reply is flashing on their screen. Bubble over the MO Gwylo says “Our first artist has refused the work! HAAAAA HAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
The End
LAST REQUEST
Scene 1: Funeral, two children are crying - a boy and a girl. There are lots of Italians dressed in black looking sombre. Very emotional setting.
Scene 2: Man of Asian Canadian descent bursts into the ceremony at full speed wearing butt-less chaps, lipstick, red and black eye shadow that is smeared with tears. He runs up to the coffin, his buttocks bouncing shamelessly with cottage cheese dimples. He embraces the dead man ….
and gently caresses his hair…purring “Pretty…oh pretty!” in a high pitched, very gay voice. Then just runs out of the funeral home crying…
Scene 3: The curley haired son looks at his sister who is distraught and confused. “Why?” They both looks to the heavens for an answer…
Scene 4: Mother staring wide eyed with confused expression.
(Little does anyone know that the MO Gwylo and Asian man had a deal. If one of them died, they had to act out this scene. This scenerio actually affected their work as they thought about it and wrote it down. Man hours lost - 3. Cost of actual wasted company time - $240.00. ROI - $0.0. Creating a blog in tumultous times at work - priceless.)
The End
SUICIDE ART
Scene 1: Manager is in his office at the service desk centre – open concept cubicles without any privacy. Manager walks up to an employee and says “Why aren’t you taking calls?” He points to the screen which has a yellow number 3 on the board. His angry expression is enough to make the others turn. The Managers hair is like mad professor…sticking up in dissarray– his giant horny owl eyebrows are raised.
Scene 2: The employee (who happens to be the MO Gwylo) reaches under his desk with a newly provided cabinet – brand new installed that day. He opens the drawer, removes a small sawed off shotgun – Remington 235…then places a hat with inflated paint filled balloons on his head in a variety of colors. Then he places a paint ball in his mouth.
Scene 3: MO Gwylo pushes a button on his desk, the roof panel slides open and reveals a large art canvas above his cubicle.
Scene 4: The employee takes the gun, places it under his chin, and blows his head off. The paint and brain matter create a colorful display on the canvas.
Scene 5: - Three months later. The manager in his office, eyes wide with shock. The veins in his eyes are POPPING out like a cartoon. His hands are shaking….and he's foaming at the mouth…white face. "Why? WHAT DID I SAY..."
The End
CORD BLOOD
Scene 1: Wedding scene. Father of the groom stands up to do a speech. He pulls out a cooler with a biohazard symbol on it. “Ahem! I would like to say thank you for attending today and will start my speech by offering my new daughter in law a precious gift I have been saving since the day little Johnny was born. You will all notice a small piece of dried meat on your plates…please take this as an offering to the new couple.”
Scene 2: People eating…
Scene 3: “I have saved the umbilical cord since the day my son was born to protect him from future diseases. I was able to share some of that with you today. It is now time for you Cindy, to bear the responsibility to save my son one day should the need arise.”
Scene 4: A man screams like a young girl in the front row and women start yelling and throwing up. “What the FUCK! Are you kidding me? FACK! It’s cord man…fucking cord! Why? WHY?...”
The End
BATHROOM SCENE 1
Scene 1: Employee is in the shared office toilet releasing a large dose of air and gas from his a-basket. Texting using his phone while sitting on the toilet.
Scene 2: Door opens, another Employee walks in and then another. Employee B walks by the stall and says aloud “Oh…I guess we’re going to make this a short visit!!" He then laughs and walks out.
Scene 3: The employee in the stall has his eyes wide open…he mouths the words "Oh...My...God...what did he mean by that?"
Scene 4: Employee goes back to desk in the support centre…discusses with Asian American friend.."I think I stunk up the can man!"
Scene 5: Asian American friend – aka Banana says – “No there is a closed stall in the bathroom…you didn’t evacuate him, he couldn't use the toilet because it's broken."
"Ohhhhhhh!" A lightbulb goes on above the Gwylo's head
Scene 5: Both start laughing.
The End
BATHROOM SCENE 2
Scene 1: Employee walks into a bathroom. Sees the first door is closed, moves to the second door, opens it and sees a large amount of feces…what appears to be brown “cow intestines” floating in the toilet.
Scene 2: “OH GOD!” Jumps back as if slapped in the face by an invisible ghost, and runs out of the washroom.
The End
FLANK STRAP
Scene 1: Narrator Voice
Preface: Serious voice like Lorne Green - “Bull riding is a rodeo sport that involves a rider getting on a large bull and attempting to stay mounted for at least 8 seconds while the animal attempts to buck off the rider. The rider tightly fastens one hand to the bull with a long braided rope. It is a risky sport and has been called "the most dangerous eight seconds in sports."
Scene 2: A rider mounts a bull and grips a flat braided rope. After he secures a good grip on the rope, the rider nods to signal he is ready. The bucking chute (a small enclosure which opens from the side) is opened and the bull storms out into the arena.
Scene 3: The bull bucks, rears, kicks, spins, and twists in an effort to throw the rider off. When the ride ends, either intentionally or not, the bull fighters move in to protect the rider from harm. He runs toward the fence and the clowns move in to distract the rider.
Note: There is a heated debate between animal rights organizations and bull riding enthusiasts over many aspects of the sport. The first controversy is over the use of a flank strap. The flank strap is placed around a bulls flank, in front of the hind legs, and encourages bucking. Critics claim that the flank strap encircles or otherwise binds the testicles of the bull. However, others note that the flank strap is anatomically impossible to place over the genitals; as well as unrealistic, pointing out that the bull's genes are valuable and that there is a strong economic incentive to keep the animal in excellent reproductive health. Further, particularly in the case of bulls, an animal that is sick and in pain usually will not want to move at all, will not buck as well, and may even lie down in the chute or ring rather than buck.
The End
PERFORMANCE ANXIETY
Scene 1: Employee in Managers office, points a weapon at his boss…says KNEEL! Then he opens the door and yells at a large round bald headed man slumped in his chair. “Get over here NOW!”
Scene 2: Bald obese man waddles over to the office.
Scene 3: Employee with the gun yells at a large obese woman in the office. “U TOO! Get over here…NOW!”
Scene 4: She trudges toward the office in a slow almost elephant like manner. The office door closes.
Scene 5: Office scene - “You two have to fuck right now!” The two look at each other, scared.
Scene 6: The bald obese mans lip quivers…”Oh God…how can I perform for THAT!” He points at her…crying now. Ashamed expression, looks at his own genitals, his hands cover them.
Scene 7: Employee in office gets mad, he starts pointing his weapon at BO man again.
Scene 8: Baldy expresses helplessness – that is his facial expression, “I ccann’t. I really ccann’t, please don’t force me, half of the time, I can’t even find my genitalia.”
Scene 9: Obese office woman looks at BO with disgust. Obese woman talks to herself silently, “I thought I was going to get some today…..”
The End
PLUMBER BUTT
Scene 1: Employee bent over at his desk tying his shoe.
Scene 2: A second employee walks by behind him, looks over, look of utter disgust mars his features.
Scene 3: Another employee walks by, sees the other looking at something, sees his expression and then looks down too. Another disgusted expression. Man 1 says to Man2 “You made me look! You made me SEE THAT! Oh my god!” Man starts rubbing his eyes trying to clean the image out.
Scene 4: The employee bent over realizes they have seen his plumber butt. He shakes his butt and points at the hairy crevice. “Do you want to put your face in it?” Smiles gleefully, shakes his butt and goes back to work at his desk typing uselessly.
The End
TUMULTUOUS TIMES
Scene 1: Two men in a car driving and chatting, time shows 12:00 PM noon on the dash. They suddenly both start screaming and the man says, “Holy SHIT!”
Scene 2: Car drives fast and hits breaks before a large oil tanker truck.
Scene 3: Fire burning and a man trapped under the wreckage of the car…legs are completely trapped under the car. A fireman runs up, looks over the hood at this legs, turns and vomits, “oh, oh my god…oh…oh no.”
Scene 4: Man pulls out a cellphone, dials a number…”Hi Jane, this is David. I think I’m going to be a bit late coming back from lunch today. Please forward my calls and update my outlook. Oh no, I shouldn’t be too long.”
As he is speaking, the other man, somewhere off screen, it moaning…”help me, oh lord…why did you accelerate! WHY! WHY!!!!! ARRGGGHHHHHH!!!”
Caption as scene fades to black.
“Joe average cannot afford to be late, nor can he afford to be off work in these tumultuous economic times. Mr. Average…was off work for six months and he never walked again but at least he made the effort to notify his employer.”
The End
THE BELLY BUTTON
Scene 1: Two men at a desk. One is very fat around the waist. The other is Asian and is squinting and grunting. He is pulling something long and wet and sticky. Then he curls his noise.
Scene 2: A manager walks up and stares at them inquisitively. He asks, “What are you two doing?”
Scene 2: Both men pull out guns and balloon hats with a stick that has an art canvas attached to it. The Asian says, “I find your tone to be very condescending…”
Scene 3: Both men pull the triggers and their brains and colored balloons splatter the canvas.
Scene 4: Six Months Later: Psychiatrist office with the Manager– “Why would they do it? I was asking a simple question…?” Crying, he places his head in his hands
OLYMPIC TRAINING
Scene 1: Olympic Season – Service Desk environment. Summer Olympic track event is broadcast on the projector. Manager thinks this is a good use of the $500 projector bulb.
Scene 2: An African American lady walks in and gets excited when she sees the Track event with one of her favorite sprinters “Usane Bolt.” Outburst from the African American lady “You see. He is clearly African descent from the tone of his skin color. “Why do they run so fast?” Faintly from the back of the room “Because they get chased by lions and they have to run for their survival. It’s survival instincts.”
Scene 3: Another support staff (Asian decent) turns away instantly blushing and laughing. The amount of laughing and blushing can be compared to the American Idol judges laughing while watching William Hung’s performance.
Scene 4: African American lady asked the Asian guy, “Why are you laughing?” Asian guy laughs further and has to leave the room.
Scene 5: Non-technical email lady jots some notes into her spreadsheet.
The End
POLITICALLY INCORRECT
Scene 1: Call Center Environment
A group of staff discussing how hard it is to differentiate a couple of front line Desktop Support staff.
Scene 2: Manager comes in and overhears the conversation and he notices that they mention broken words like desktop, Dante, Tyrone, Louie......all three men are African Americans.
Scene 3: One of the call centre staff bursts out and says, “me too!” I find it sooo hard to differentiate who’s who...I don’t know why really...”
Scene 4: Manager makes a weird face and with his eye brows raised, says “Is it because of color?” One of the call centre staff instantly turns away blushing and is hardly able to contain himself.
Scene 5: The non-technical email lady glances at the laughing colleague again and secretly writes down the time/minutes spent on laughing in her daily spreadsheet.
Scene 6: Later on at night. Small section on the news states that “Joe Smith, Manager of a call centre has been caught attending a K3 meeting. He was caught because his son refused to wear the pointy hat and police caught them arguing on a fairground while others fled the scene. Police were brought to the scene due to complaints because a giant burning man hung in a tree began to spread fire to neighboring houses. No casualties.
The End
NO LAUGHING!
Scene 1: Lady at Support Center was Jealous and frustrated with two support center staff consistently giggling and laughing all the time at their desk. Huddled over and hissing with laughter. (The lady start writing down the time the minutes they was giggling, creates a spreadsheet of hours lost for the company to this behavior.)
Scene2: Lady turns red with anger. She confronts the two jokers, “What the hell are you two laughing at now?”
Scene 3: The two jokers ignore her like she was invisible and continue laughing, they have to leave the room.
Scene 4: Lady slowly walk toward the manager’s office
Scene 5: Meeting room, two guys are on the floor laughing. Someone pops their head in…then just closes the door.
Scene 6: The two jokers return to their desk in a serious manner
Scene7: Lady is in Managers office, has graphs and illustrations with hours worked vs time spent laughing. She was discussing this in detail with the manager in terms of corporate hours/minutes that they spent laughing. “This year alone, they have wasted 103 hours EACH! EACH! For God’s sake…how can they continue this behavior on your watch?”
Scene 8: Manager glances through the blinds from his office. Concerned expression. Rubs chin. There is a bubble above his head…”The two jokers are taking production down calls very seriously. They are my best two workers…I go to them for everything….if they are my most efficient and have wasted a week of work on laughter, then what about my other workers? What are they doing?”
Scene 9: Manager turns to Lady: “How can it be? They are such good worker? Leave it with me, I’ll run some stats and check their numbers and I’ll get back to you.” She leaves. He throws out the graphs in the garbage and starts laughing.
Scene 10: Lady returns to her desk still huffing and puffing
The End
DISHONESTY IN THE WORKPLACE
Scene 1: Messages sent using Outlook which is internal the companies MSN Messenger.
From: Suzie Mcracken Sent: Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:32 AMTo: John Smith; Pong Li; Doogie WisemanSubject: funeral again
"The Pieman was off yesterday for a Funeral – so…the guy dies Tuesday – Wed Morning the Funeral – Yeh Right.. Italian but no wake? Suz"
From: Pong Li Sent: Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:34 AMTo: John Smith; Suzie Mcracken; Doogie WisemanSubject: Re: funeral again
"I know, I despise dishonesty. John would you like to join me in the meeting room and help me strap the balloons to my head? Pong"
From: John Smith Sent: Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:36 AMTo: Suzie Mcracken; Pong Li; Doogie WisemanSubject: Re: funeral again
AND, I’ve been to these funerals, you go for two hours at most, even for close cousins...I’ve been to four with grace...it doesn’t take the whole day!
JS
From: Suzie McrackenSent: Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:48 AMTo: John Smith; Pong Li; Doogie WisemanSubject: RE: funeral again
"Not My family
First funeral –
Then graveyard
Then back for reception – Normally a big drunk up.. Mom’s family Irish dad’s is finnish– Dan Polish…..
Suz"
The End
NO LIKEY
Scene 1: Messages sent using Office Communicator which is internal the companies MSN Messenger.
Suzie Mcracken [10:54 AM]:
You missed a good One.. Jane says anyone get a call from Jeanette Hornblower? I say yes!
Then she said, “Ask her what is wrong with her phone, she just called me twice and got cut off after I said hello?”
John Smith [10:57 AM]:
I don't get it...you mean she hung up on Jeanie? Oh...wait I get it...she won't deal with Sarah….
Ouch! Is she that bad?
Suzie Mcracken [10:54 AM]:
Elroy And I started giggling, many users tell me they hang up on Sarah unless they’re desperate.
P.S. I cannot believe someone would fake a funeral to get an extra care day - I am so disgusted!”
Pong Li [10:58 AM]:
i ask myself why?..as I strap the balloon to my head....how can ppl like him get away with so many funeral attending off dayzzzzzz
The End
DO WHAT ADULTS DO...
Scene 1: Topic with the Octo Lady who just gave birth to eight children is circulating around the Service Desk staff.
Scene 2: African American lady walks in to the room, “What are you all talking about??”
Scene 3: Asian man replies “We are talking about the VIVID deal for the lady that just gave birth to 8 kids”
Scene 4: African American lady asked “So, what is the deal?” and “deal or no deal?”
Scene 5: Asian man replied “ One Million to do an adult film”. AA lady replies “ What is an adult film? What do they do in it”
Scene 6: Asian man scratches his head to a point that he can almost smell his brain tissue on his finger nail. Smirking inwardly he replies “ Well, they usually just do what “adults” do. They are usually in action, hard to describe it in work terms. I don’t want to cause trouble.”
Scene 5: AA lady asks again “I have no idea what they do in an adult film, I just don’t?” While the Asian man smells his finger nails. Asian man just totally ignores the AA lady.
The End
IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO GO, IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE!
Scene 1: Obese man pops a blue capsule in his mouth at his desk. Sips some water and goes back to work typing with a wireless headset on.
Scene 2: Close up of a package of Xenical capsules.
Scene 3: Long fart noise. Obese man looks happy. Smiles and looks around. Then a shocked expression on his face!
Scene 4: Waddles to the washroom
Scene 5: Close up of his chair. Large oily orange stain on his chair.
Scene 6: Man is in his car. He is changing his pants. His genitalia is in the air as he tries to pull his pants on. A good looking coworker walks by and does a double take.
Scene 7: Close up of the anguish on the mans face.
Scene 8: Obese man on his cell phone, “I am now providing you with my resignation. Please do not question as to why. Just believe me when I say this is for the best.”
The End
SOCCER BALLS IN THE OFFICE
Scene 1: Help Desk environment, open concept. Man is sitting at his desk. A soccer ball suddenly drills him in the side of the head. He looks around. No one is laughing or moving.
Scene 2: His face goes red with rage and there is a purple spot on the side of his face. He gets up, tries to yank a metal folder tray on the side of his cubicle. He can’t rip it off. He looks around, one of his collegues Asian descent looks over and points to the guy behind him.
Scene 3: Man storms over to the man on the phone, slaps him as hard as he can across his face. “Don’t you ever do that again! If you ever do that again I will destroy you!” Slams door and room shakes.
Scene 4: Overweight manager with a bad toupe looks confused. “what happened?” There is mayonnaise dripping from the corner of his mouth.
Scene 5: Man with handprint on his cheek looks up…eyes watering. Lips quivering. “It was my fault. Don’t worry about it.”
The End
WAS TED ROGERS GAY?
Scene 1: An Asian Support Staff was using Rogers High Speed internet at home. All of a sudden, his connection got disconnected. Outburst of anger; profanity; then he went to bed huffing and puffing.
Scene 2: Next day, Asian man puts his phone on “not ready” and phones Rogers Support during work hours. As usually, “press 1 – English....press 2:.....etc” Asian man murmur in his mind “What the fuck is this? Fucking fucktard Ted Rogers”.......
Scene 3: Asian man finally gets connected to a Support Agent. Asian man is already huffing and puffing and blurts out in anger “Why was my internet terminated last night?” Rogers Support Agent replied: “Can I please have your name, postal code, date of birth, size of your testicle,...etc” So Asian man patiently answered all the questions. Finally Support Agent asked: “ How may I help you today?” So the already pissed off Asian man said “ My internet was disconnected last night, what the fuck is going on?” Without any sympathy from the Agent, Support Agent said “please do not swear at me or I will hang up”
Scene 4: Angry Asian man, “Listen you piece of shit, tell me why my connection was disconnected?” Agent answers, “Because you exceeded your quota, so we have decided to suspend your account” Asian man yells out loud “What the fuck?”
Scene 5: Asian man rolls his eyes and he can’t believe the answer he just got from the Support Agent. So the Asian man asks a simple question “Is Ted Rogers gay?” Support agent can’t believe he has been asked such an unprofessional question. Asian man elaborates, “The reason I am asking is because, with the service I receive from Rogers, I am constantly getting fucked in the ass and I get screw over by you, so it really only imply that Ted Rogers must be GAY...”
Scene 6: Support Agent mutes his phone and starts to laugh. His supervisor came to him and ask him why were you laughing during work in a demeaning tone of voice. Support Agent face instantly turned red and felt embarrassed, he instantly pulls out a sack of balloons, straps it on his head and pulls out a 44 Magnum and instantly blows his brains out.
Scene 7: Supervisor jaw dropped and reacted in disbelieve. “Why? Why?.....”The End
The End
SUPPORT TERMINATION ON HOLD
Scene 1: Support Staffs are complaining how cold it is in 1510-2021. A Fellow staff called facility without notifying his manager.
Scene 2: Facility came in and jacked up the temp to 75 F.
Scene 3: Support Staffs are all complaining about how HOT it is. Some even strip off their cloth and start swinging it uncontrollably. The room was so HOT, an Asian staff’s eye even changed from slanted to non-slanted.
Scene 4: The person who called Facility was instantly called in the manager’s office. While they were arguing behind closed door. Weird thing stated to happen with the rest of the staff in the Support Center.
Scene 5: Support Center staffs complained that they start getting migraine, hallucination, hot flashes... One staff was yelling out: “please get this thing out of my head” The man didn’t even finish his sentence. He pull out a Colt45 and pumped his head full of lead.
Scene 6: This act of survival seems so natural. Other people followed. One after another... Manager was shocked and he thought it was a prank at first.
Scene 7: Manager opened his door, the smell of HOT blood was unbearable. Brain were all over the place. Manager asked WHY? WHY? What have you done? Why did you turn up the heat... (after this the thermostat was never touched again...)
The End...
PRACTICAL JOKE IN TUMULTUOUS TIMES
Note: Layoffs are Imminant
Scene 1: Man dressed in police uniform is an actor. Comes in to remove a staff member saying he has been fired. (Just a practical joke)
Scene 2: Actor representing the HR department says, “We have found some files on your computer that are both unprofessional and deeply disturbing. DO the “KWAN FILES” come to mind?
Scene 3: Man screams, “We wrote a bunch of stupid jokes?”
Scene 4: HR Pro, “You are fired. Here is your letter.”
Scene 5: You are under arrest Mr. Smith
Scene 6: “My package, my package? What about my package.” Man screams and tries to fight the police as he is handcuffed…
Scene 7: They reach the front of the building, “Surprise!!” Fireworks go off, and some balloons are released into the air.
Scene 8: Man faints
The End
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