Environment: Support Center
Scene1: Support Staff complain about paint fumes stinking up the office and circulating around the room. People complaining of headaches and nausea.
Scene2: Staff reports to the SHE group, they didn’t believe us due to one Bangalore Canadian made a false claim once before and played a joke on them while claiming he smelled farts in the middle of the night...when no one was around.
Scene 3: Staff in Support Center start puking blood, scratching their eyes out (one staff also yells for help, cornea detaches from her eye due to the strong paint fumes) Morbidly obese man even farts a copious amount of blood.
The End
Lesson Learned: Being of Asian descent in a foreign country is extremely difficult. Make sure you're rights are not being abused.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
BECEL TEMPTATION
Environment - Office with cubicles
Scene 1: Manager looks out of his office and calls down to one of his employees. Notices one of the employees bent over in the other employees lap. His two best workers are not answering.
Scene2: Rewind. Employee with Becel spray in his desk is Morbidly Obese and trying to lose weight. He has weight watchers pamphlets all over his desk. He says to his Asian Obese coworker. "If I butter up my belly button...think your head would fit inside?"
Reply: "I don't know, let's try?"
Scene 3: Manager comes by the desk and is shocked. Asian Obese man's head is stuck in Morbidly Obese employees belly button. It looks like a giant asshole engulfing his head.
He finally pops out with a huge suction sucking sound and his face is greesy...covered with hair and butter juice.
Scene 4: Four months later. Morbidly Obese man is in an interview."Explain to me Mr. Smith why you left the last company you worked for?"
"Umm..."
Scene 1: Manager looks out of his office and calls down to one of his employees. Notices one of the employees bent over in the other employees lap. His two best workers are not answering.
Scene2: Rewind. Employee with Becel spray in his desk is Morbidly Obese and trying to lose weight. He has weight watchers pamphlets all over his desk. He says to his Asian Obese coworker. "If I butter up my belly button...think your head would fit inside?"
Reply: "I don't know, let's try?"
Scene 3: Manager comes by the desk and is shocked. Asian Obese man's head is stuck in Morbidly Obese employees belly button. It looks like a giant asshole engulfing his head.
He finally pops out with a huge suction sucking sound and his face is greesy...covered with hair and butter juice.
Scene 4: Four months later. Morbidly Obese man is in an interview."Explain to me Mr. Smith why you left the last company you worked for?"
"Umm..."
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Out In The Cold
Environment - Layoffs occurring
Background - Terminated Employee is a 55 year old obsessive compulsive, sometimes suicidal, believes his bio index and horoscope rule his daily moods. He has collected so much junk he can't walk through the door of his house and turn to the left. There is a trail to the kitchen and to the washroom.
Scene 1) Man standing outside a set of glass doors with his face pressed against the window.
"I need my keys. LET ME IN!"
Scene 2) Administrator is in tears at the front desk. Security gaurd is standing ignoring the man's pleas for help.
Scene 3) Terminated employee's belongings start to fly away in the wind.
Scene 4) Manager and HR consultant bring his coat out. Both can't look in his eyes.
The End
Background - Terminated Employee is a 55 year old obsessive compulsive, sometimes suicidal, believes his bio index and horoscope rule his daily moods. He has collected so much junk he can't walk through the door of his house and turn to the left. There is a trail to the kitchen and to the washroom.
Scene 1) Man standing outside a set of glass doors with his face pressed against the window.
"I need my keys. LET ME IN!"
Scene 2) Administrator is in tears at the front desk. Security gaurd is standing ignoring the man's pleas for help.
Scene 3) Terminated employee's belongings start to fly away in the wind.
Scene 4) Manager and HR consultant bring his coat out. Both can't look in his eyes.
The End
Outsource This!!!
Environment - Service Desk
Scene 1: Two MOFB's on a normal work day see layoffs going on around them. Big G MOFB loses his mind. Rumours are ensuing that the service desk will be outsourced.
Scene 2: Big G runs down to the corner office to speak with his VP. He rushes in and rips his shirt up showing off his round jelly roll belly and two shining saucer nipples.
"OUTSOURCE THIS!" He screams. Then he starts crying, shits his pants and runs off back down the hall to the washroom.
The End
Scene 1: Two MOFB's on a normal work day see layoffs going on around them. Big G MOFB loses his mind. Rumours are ensuing that the service desk will be outsourced.
Scene 2: Big G runs down to the corner office to speak with his VP. He rushes in and rips his shirt up showing off his round jelly roll belly and two shining saucer nipples.
"OUTSOURCE THIS!" He screams. Then he starts crying, shits his pants and runs off back down the hall to the washroom.
The End
TSN Turning Point
Environment - Due to a significant event (layoff) these two survivors’ lives have changed dramatically forever.
Recap: they used to joke about pumping their own heads full of lead but now, they think of pumping their competitors full of lead instead. New movie “Saw VI” instantly popped up in their mind. I must cherish my job/life
These two men, after work, head to Shoppers Drug Mart and purchase rubber surgical gloves.
New Term: MOFB – Morbidly Obese Fat Bastard
Scene 1: Two MOFB come into work (normal work day). They start seeing their co-workers getting calls to attend a mysterious mandatory meeting. Both of them felt left out, so they complain to each other.
Scene 2: Co-workers that attended the meeting never came back, so both of them begin mumbling about what happened? Big A said to Big G “ You didn’t know yet? Big G scratches his belly and says “No, what?” Big A “Our friends are being terminated!”
Scene 3: Big G instantly looks shocked. Big A also can't believe what has happened. As they check the employee user accounts in Active Directory, list of terminations increase dramatically.
Scene 4: Both are in disbelief, both act like trauma patients in ER. Big A starts shredding his underwear in front of the African American lady. Big G starts spitting on Obese Bald guy’s head. Everything just turns to chaos.
Scene 5: Within a split second, these two used to joke about popping their brains across a canvas has changed. They have started to “cherish” their jobs. They no longer want to target themselves as a joke anymore. They start to think about going after their prey (co-workers).
Note: They know that HR is getting hit with terminations today, so they know they only have a narrow window of time to do whatever they want without getting in trouble with HR.
Scene 6: While co-workers are diligently working on phone calls, these two start by sneaking up behind them and “scream”. They just want to see how their co-workers will react. They want to calculate the time between the scream to the time registered by the brain. (experimenting – treating co-worker as test subject)
Scene 7: Big A goes behind them to scream while Big G takes out a stopwatch. Email lady helps record the time elapsed.
Scene 8: Big A says, "I couldn’t scream any more my throat hurts! What else can make a big bang noise??” Big A pulls out a Remington A850 – with a big label on the bottom “Made in China” Big G was surprised but says “Interesting, feasible, just do it...”
Scene 9: While Big A gets it ready. Big G goes over to Obese Bald Guy and says “Do you want to participate in an experiment?” Bald Guy says “sure”. (Of course he has no idea what they are going to do to him.)
Scene 10: Before the experiment begins, Big G takes out some sort of script from his back pocket and reads it out to O Bald guy
1) Any last words? – Bald guy replies “why?” Big G said “Don’t worry about it, nothing just a standard question”
2) This experiment might inflict some level of pain but it should be ok – Bald guy replies “What kind of pain?” Big G said “Not something you would experience in a daily basis but you should be fine.”
3) Do you agreed to participate in this experiment? – Bald guy replies “of course, sounds exciting” – BG signs the agreement but Obese Bald guy forgets to read the fine print
a. This experiment will include making a large hole to your forehead
b. This experiment will include u not be able to see your family again
Scene 11: After agreement signed, Big A proceeds to put a canvas in front of the monitor, straps balloon all over Obese Bald guy’s face and carefully places the A850 behind his head. Then the lever is pulled.
Scene 12: A beautiful painting is made in front of our eyes. Big A has surgical gloves on and asks D (another coworker who is not too intelligent) to do him a favour. “Can you hold the A850 for me?” D says “ok” Police come in and see D holding the A850, they instantly tase him and bring him down like a rabid bear.
The End
Lesson Learned: Tumultuous times not only change your surrounding but it can also change people’s lives. So - do you cherish your life yet?
Recap: they used to joke about pumping their own heads full of lead but now, they think of pumping their competitors full of lead instead. New movie “Saw VI” instantly popped up in their mind. I must cherish my job/life
These two men, after work, head to Shoppers Drug Mart and purchase rubber surgical gloves.
New Term: MOFB – Morbidly Obese Fat Bastard
Scene 1: Two MOFB come into work (normal work day). They start seeing their co-workers getting calls to attend a mysterious mandatory meeting. Both of them felt left out, so they complain to each other.
Scene 2: Co-workers that attended the meeting never came back, so both of them begin mumbling about what happened? Big A said to Big G “ You didn’t know yet? Big G scratches his belly and says “No, what?” Big A “Our friends are being terminated!”
Scene 3: Big G instantly looks shocked. Big A also can't believe what has happened. As they check the employee user accounts in Active Directory, list of terminations increase dramatically.
Scene 4: Both are in disbelief, both act like trauma patients in ER. Big A starts shredding his underwear in front of the African American lady. Big G starts spitting on Obese Bald guy’s head. Everything just turns to chaos.
Scene 5: Within a split second, these two used to joke about popping their brains across a canvas has changed. They have started to “cherish” their jobs. They no longer want to target themselves as a joke anymore. They start to think about going after their prey (co-workers).
Note: They know that HR is getting hit with terminations today, so they know they only have a narrow window of time to do whatever they want without getting in trouble with HR.
Scene 6: While co-workers are diligently working on phone calls, these two start by sneaking up behind them and “scream”. They just want to see how their co-workers will react. They want to calculate the time between the scream to the time registered by the brain. (experimenting – treating co-worker as test subject)
Scene 7: Big A goes behind them to scream while Big G takes out a stopwatch. Email lady helps record the time elapsed.
Scene 8: Big A says, "I couldn’t scream any more my throat hurts! What else can make a big bang noise??” Big A pulls out a Remington A850 – with a big label on the bottom “Made in China” Big G was surprised but says “Interesting, feasible, just do it...”
Scene 9: While Big A gets it ready. Big G goes over to Obese Bald Guy and says “Do you want to participate in an experiment?” Bald Guy says “sure”. (Of course he has no idea what they are going to do to him.)
Scene 10: Before the experiment begins, Big G takes out some sort of script from his back pocket and reads it out to O Bald guy
1) Any last words? – Bald guy replies “why?” Big G said “Don’t worry about it, nothing just a standard question”
2) This experiment might inflict some level of pain but it should be ok – Bald guy replies “What kind of pain?” Big G said “Not something you would experience in a daily basis but you should be fine.”
3) Do you agreed to participate in this experiment? – Bald guy replies “of course, sounds exciting” – BG signs the agreement but Obese Bald guy forgets to read the fine print
a. This experiment will include making a large hole to your forehead
b. This experiment will include u not be able to see your family again
Scene 11: After agreement signed, Big A proceeds to put a canvas in front of the monitor, straps balloon all over Obese Bald guy’s face and carefully places the A850 behind his head. Then the lever is pulled.
Scene 12: A beautiful painting is made in front of our eyes. Big A has surgical gloves on and asks D (another coworker who is not too intelligent) to do him a favour. “Can you hold the A850 for me?” D says “ok” Police come in and see D holding the A850, they instantly tase him and bring him down like a rabid bear.
The End
Lesson Learned: Tumultuous times not only change your surrounding but it can also change people’s lives. So - do you cherish your life yet?
Friday, April 3, 2009
KWAN FILES
NON-STANDARD SERVICE REQUEST
Environment: Service Desk
Scene 1: Scientific Applications consultant just walks into the Support War Room and asks for walk-in service. (This consistent behavior by passes the established process of phoning in problems.)
Scene 2: Service Desk Manager comes out of his office staring at the Sci Apps consultant, “What are you doing? Why are you disturbing my staff?”
Scene 3: Manager turns around silently and walks back to his computer and he starts entering two online forms. They are iService requests to have the Sci Apps consultant’s knee caps taken out.
In the iService Request:
“Staff, when processing this request, please open this request as Non-Standard Non-Validated request. Please assign to Dante, he will be the change builder. CIRA will be filled in by Dante. “
(Note: CIRA – Castration Induced Rectal Aggrivation)
Scene 4: Next day. The task goes into the system with a Target Resolution Time of 24 hours. Before it can breach, the change ticket SLA is properly executed, the Sci Apps consultant has both knee caps permanently removed and sent back through inter-office mail.
Lessons Learned: Never under estimate the power of those around you. Many actions can trigger unexpected reactions (Newton’s Third Law).
50% OFF?
Setting: Service Desk Environment
Scene 1: A Senior Staff member is working diligently taking phone calls on his wireless headset while typing furiously into his computer.
Note: General appearance: bald middle aged obese individual. (Friar Tuck bald)
Scene2: An African American woman co-worker calls his name, “Dante”, got a question fa you. The BO (Bald Obese) man replies “Shoot, what’s up?”
Scene3: African American woman asks straight up, “When you go fo a haycut, do you get 50 pacent off?” Her co-worker instantly lights up, his face turns purple and he begins fuming. He slams his fist into the desk obviously insulted by the innocent comment that was just made.
Lessons Learned: Never ask question to an individual that will highlight his/her shortfalls, insecurities and/or disabilities.
Environment: Service Desk
Scene 1: Scientific Applications consultant just walks into the Support War Room and asks for walk-in service. (This consistent behavior by passes the established process of phoning in problems.)
Scene 2: Service Desk Manager comes out of his office staring at the Sci Apps consultant, “What are you doing? Why are you disturbing my staff?”
Scene 3: Manager turns around silently and walks back to his computer and he starts entering two online forms. They are iService requests to have the Sci Apps consultant’s knee caps taken out.
In the iService Request:
“Staff, when processing this request, please open this request as Non-Standard Non-Validated request. Please assign to Dante, he will be the change builder. CIRA will be filled in by Dante. “
(Note: CIRA – Castration Induced Rectal Aggrivation)
Scene 4: Next day. The task goes into the system with a Target Resolution Time of 24 hours. Before it can breach, the change ticket SLA is properly executed, the Sci Apps consultant has both knee caps permanently removed and sent back through inter-office mail.
Lessons Learned: Never under estimate the power of those around you. Many actions can trigger unexpected reactions (Newton’s Third Law).
50% OFF?
Setting: Service Desk Environment
Scene 1: A Senior Staff member is working diligently taking phone calls on his wireless headset while typing furiously into his computer.
Note: General appearance: bald middle aged obese individual. (Friar Tuck bald)
Scene2: An African American woman co-worker calls his name, “Dante”, got a question fa you. The BO (Bald Obese) man replies “Shoot, what’s up?”
Scene3: African American woman asks straight up, “When you go fo a haycut, do you get 50 pacent off?” Her co-worker instantly lights up, his face turns purple and he begins fuming. He slams his fist into the desk obviously insulted by the innocent comment that was just made.
Lessons Learned: Never ask question to an individual that will highlight his/her shortfalls, insecurities and/or disabilities.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.jpg)
