The Kwan Files - Sick Office Humour

ARTIST RECRUIT
Scene 1: East Indian in Mumbai is at a computer terminal and reads an ad for an artist for sick office humor. Computer Screen says Craigslist – “Comic artist desired for new concept. Please do the needful."

Scene 2: Starts jabbering in Indian – types reply to ad in computer, “THIS IS UNHOLY!”

Scene 3: Asian Canadian and Morbidly Obese Canadian Gwylo are on floor LAUGHING in their open concept service desk for troubleshooting remote computer problems. The reply is flashing on their screen. Bubble over the MO Gwylo says “Our first artist has refused the work! HAAAAA HAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
The End


LAST REQUEST
Scene 1: Funeral, two children are crying - a boy and a girl. There are lots of Italians dressed in black looking sombre. Very emotional setting.

Scene 2: Man of Asian Canadian descent bursts into the ceremony at full speed wearing butt-less chaps, lipstick, red and black eye shadow that is smeared with tears. He runs up to the coffin, his buttocks bouncing shamelessly with cottage cheese dimples. He embraces the dead man ….
and gently caresses his hair…purring “Pretty…oh pretty!” in a high pitched, very gay voice. Then just runs out of the funeral home crying…

Scene 3: The curley haired son looks at his sister who is distraught and confused. “Why?” They both looks to the heavens for an answer…

Scene 4: Mother staring wide eyed with confused expression.

(Little does anyone know that the MO Gwylo and Asian man had a deal. If one of them died, they had to act out this scene. This scenerio actually affected their work as they thought about it and wrote it down. Man hours lost - 3. Cost of actual wasted company time - $240.00. ROI - $0.0. Creating a blog in tumultous times at work - priceless.)

The End


SUICIDE ART
Scene 1: Manager is in his office at the service desk centre – open concept cubicles without any privacy. Manager walks up to an employee and says “Why aren’t you taking calls?” He points to the screen which has a yellow number 3 on the board. His angry expression is enough to make the others turn. The Managers hair is like mad professor…sticking up in dissarray– his giant horny owl eyebrows are raised.

Scene 2: The employee (who happens to be the MO Gwylo) reaches under his desk with a newly provided cabinet – brand new installed that day. He opens the drawer, removes a small sawed off shotgun – Remington 235…then places a hat with inflated paint filled balloons on his head in a variety of colors. Then he places a paint ball in his mouth.

Scene 3: MO Gwylo pushes a button on his desk, the roof panel slides open and reveals a large art canvas above his cubicle.

Scene 4: The employee takes the gun, places it under his chin, and blows his head off. The paint and brain matter create a colorful display on the canvas.

Scene 5: - Three months later. The manager in his office, eyes wide with shock. The veins in his eyes are POPPING out like a cartoon. His hands are shaking….and he's foaming at the mouth…white face. "Why? WHAT DID I SAY..."

The End


CORD BLOOD

Scene 1: Wedding scene. Father of the groom stands up to do a speech. He pulls out a cooler with a biohazard symbol on it. “Ahem! I would like to say thank you for attending today and will start my speech by offering my new daughter in law a precious gift I have been saving since the day little Johnny was born. You will all notice a small piece of dried meat on your plates…please take this as an offering to the new couple.”

Scene 2: People eating…

Scene 3: “I have saved the umbilical cord since the day my son was born to protect him from future diseases. I was able to share some of that with you today. It is now time for you Cindy, to bear the responsibility to save my son one day should the need arise.”

Scene 4: A man screams like a young girl in the front row and women start yelling and throwing up. “What the FUCK! Are you kidding me? FACK! It’s cord man…fucking cord! Why? WHY?...”

The End


BATHROOM SCENE 1
Scene 1: Employee is in the shared office toilet releasing a large dose of air and gas from his a-basket. Texting using his phone while sitting on the toilet.

Scene 2: Door opens, another Employee walks in and then another. Employee B walks by the stall and says aloud “Oh…I guess we’re going to make this a short visit!!" He then laughs and walks out.

Scene 3: The employee in the stall has his eyes wide open…he mouths the words "Oh...My...God...what did he mean by that?"

Scene 4: Employee goes back to desk in the support centre…discusses with Asian American friend.."I think I stunk up the can man!"

Scene 5: Asian American friend – aka Banana says – “No there is a closed stall in the bathroom…you didn’t evacuate him, he couldn't use the toilet because it's broken."

"Ohhhhhhh!" A lightbulb goes on above the Gwylo's head

Scene 5: Both start laughing.

The End



BATHROOM SCENE 2
Scene 1: Employee walks into a bathroom. Sees the first door is closed, moves to the second door, opens it and sees a large amount of feces…what appears to be brown “cow intestines” floating in the toilet.

Scene 2: “OH GOD!” Jumps back as if slapped in the face by an invisible ghost, and runs out of the washroom.

The End


FLANK STRAP
Scene 1: Narrator Voice
Preface: Serious voice like Lorne Green - “Bull riding is a rodeo sport that involves a rider getting on a large bull and attempting to stay mounted for at least 8 seconds while the animal attempts to buck off the rider. The rider tightly fastens one hand to the bull with a long braided rope. It is a risky sport and has been called "the most dangerous eight seconds in sports."

Scene 2: A rider mounts a bull and grips a flat braided rope. After he secures a good grip on the rope, the rider nods to signal he is ready. The bucking chute (a small enclosure which opens from the side) is opened and the bull storms out into the arena.

Scene 3: The bull bucks, rears, kicks, spins, and twists in an effort to throw the rider off. When the ride ends, either intentionally or not, the bull fighters move in to protect the rider from harm. He runs toward the fence and the clowns move in to distract the rider.

Note: There is a heated debate between animal rights organizations and bull riding enthusiasts over many aspects of the sport. The first controversy is over the use of a flank strap. The flank strap is placed around a bulls flank, in front of the hind legs, and encourages bucking. Critics claim that the flank strap encircles or otherwise binds the testicles of the bull. However, others note that the flank strap is anatomically impossible to place over the genitals; as well as unrealistic, pointing out that the bull's genes are valuable and that there is a strong economic incentive to keep the animal in excellent reproductive health. Further, particularly in the case of bulls, an animal that is sick and in pain usually will not want to move at all, will not buck as well, and may even lie down in the chute or ring rather than buck.

The End


PERFORMANCE ANXIETY
Scene 1: Employee in Managers office, points a weapon at his boss…says KNEEL! Then he opens the door and yells at a large round bald headed man slumped in his chair. “Get over here NOW!”

Scene 2: Bald obese man waddles over to the office.

Scene 3: Employee with the gun yells at a large obese woman in the office. “U TOO! Get over here…NOW!”

Scene 4: She trudges toward the office in a slow almost elephant like manner. The office door closes.

Scene 5: Office scene - “You two have to fuck right now!” The two look at each other, scared.

Scene 6: The bald obese mans lip quivers…”Oh God…how can I perform for THAT!” He points at her…crying now. Ashamed expression, looks at his own genitals, his hands cover them.

Scene 7: Employee in office gets mad, he starts pointing his weapon at BO man again.

Scene 8: Baldy expresses helplessness – that is his facial expression, “I ccann’t. I really ccann’t, please don’t force me, half of the time, I can’t even find my genitalia.”

Scene 9: Obese office woman looks at BO with disgust. Obese woman talks to herself silently, “I thought I was going to get some today…..”

The End


PLUMBER BUTT
Scene 1: Employee bent over at his desk tying his shoe.

Scene 2: A second employee walks by behind him, looks over, look of utter disgust mars his features.

Scene 3: Another employee walks by, sees the other looking at something, sees his expression and then looks down too. Another disgusted expression. Man 1 says to Man2 “You made me look! You made me SEE THAT! Oh my god!” Man starts rubbing his eyes trying to clean the image out.

Scene 4: The employee bent over realizes they have seen his plumber butt. He shakes his butt and points at the hairy crevice. “Do you want to put your face in it?” Smiles gleefully, shakes his butt and goes back to work at his desk typing uselessly.

The End


TUMULTUOUS TIMES
Scene 1: Two men in a car driving and chatting, time shows 12:00 PM noon on the dash. They suddenly both start screaming and the man says, “Holy SHIT!”

Scene 2: Car drives fast and hits breaks before a large oil tanker truck.

Scene 3: Fire burning and a man trapped under the wreckage of the car…legs are completely trapped under the car. A fireman runs up, looks over the hood at this legs, turns and vomits, “oh, oh my god…oh…oh no.”

Scene 4: Man pulls out a cellphone, dials a number…”Hi Jane, this is David. I think I’m going to be a bit late coming back from lunch today. Please forward my calls and update my outlook. Oh no, I shouldn’t be too long.”
As he is speaking, the other man, somewhere off screen, it moaning…”help me, oh lord…why did you accelerate! WHY! WHY!!!!! ARRGGGHHHHHH!!!”

Caption as scene fades to black.

“Joe average cannot afford to be late, nor can he afford to be off work in these tumultuous economic times. Mr. Average…was off work for six months and he never walked again but at least he made the effort to notify his employer.”

The End


THE BELLY BUTTON
Scene 1: Two men at a desk. One is very fat around the waist. The other is Asian and is squinting and grunting. He is pulling something long and wet and sticky. Then he curls his noise.

Scene 2: A manager walks up and stares at them inquisitively. He asks, “What are you two doing?”

Scene 2: Both men pull out guns and balloon hats with a stick that has an art canvas attached to it. The Asian says, “I find your tone to be very condescending…”

Scene 3: Both men pull the triggers and their brains and colored balloons splatter the canvas.

Scene 4: Six Months Later: Psychiatrist office with the Manager– “Why would they do it? I was asking a simple question…?” Crying, he places his head in his hands


OLYMPIC TRAINING
Scene 1: Olympic Season – Service Desk environment. Summer Olympic track event is broadcast on the projector. Manager thinks this is a good use of the $500 projector bulb.

Scene 2: An African American lady walks in and gets excited when she sees the Track event with one of her favorite sprinters “Usane Bolt.” Outburst from the African American lady “You see. He is clearly African descent from the tone of his skin color. “Why do they run so fast?” Faintly from the back of the room “Because they get chased by lions and they have to run for their survival. It’s survival instincts.”

Scene 3: Another support staff (Asian decent) turns away instantly blushing and laughing. The amount of laughing and blushing can be compared to the American Idol judges laughing while watching William Hung’s performance.

Scene 4: African American lady asked the Asian guy, “Why are you laughing?” Asian guy laughs further and has to leave the room.

Scene 5: Non-technical email lady jots some notes into her spreadsheet.

The End


POLITICALLY INCORRECT
Scene 1: Call Center Environment
A group of staff discussing how hard it is to differentiate a couple of front line Desktop Support staff.

Scene 2: Manager comes in and overhears the conversation and he notices that they mention broken words like desktop, Dante, Tyrone, Louie......all three men are African Americans.

Scene 3: One of the call centre staff bursts out and says, “me too!” I find it sooo hard to differentiate who’s who...I don’t know why really...”

Scene 4: Manager makes a weird face and with his eye brows raised, says “Is it because of color?” One of the call centre staff instantly turns away blushing and is hardly able to contain himself.

Scene 5: The non-technical email lady glances at the laughing colleague again and secretly writes down the time/minutes spent on laughing in her daily spreadsheet.

Scene 6: Later on at night. Small section on the news states that “Joe Smith, Manager of a call centre has been caught attending a K3 meeting. He was caught because his son refused to wear the pointy hat and police caught them arguing on a fairground while others fled the scene. Police were brought to the scene due to complaints because a giant burning man hung in a tree began to spread fire to neighboring houses. No casualties.

The End


NO LAUGHING!
Scene 1: Lady at Support Center was Jealous and frustrated with two support center staff consistently giggling and laughing all the time at their desk. Huddled over and hissing with laughter. (The lady start writing down the time the minutes they was giggling, creates a spreadsheet of hours lost for the company to this behavior.)

Scene2: Lady turns red with anger. She confronts the two jokers, “What the hell are you two laughing at now?”

Scene 3: The two jokers ignore her like she was invisible and continue laughing, they have to leave the room.

Scene 4: Lady slowly walk toward the manager’s office

Scene 5: Meeting room, two guys are on the floor laughing. Someone pops their head in…then just closes the door.

Scene 6: The two jokers return to their desk in a serious manner

Scene7: Lady is in Managers office, has graphs and illustrations with hours worked vs time spent laughing. She was discussing this in detail with the manager in terms of corporate hours/minutes that they spent laughing. “This year alone, they have wasted 103 hours EACH! EACH! For God’s sake…how can they continue this behavior on your watch?”

Scene 8: Manager glances through the blinds from his office. Concerned expression. Rubs chin. There is a bubble above his head…”The two jokers are taking production down calls very seriously. They are my best two workers…I go to them for everything….if they are my most efficient and have wasted a week of work on laughter, then what about my other workers? What are they doing?”

Scene 9: Manager turns to Lady: “How can it be? They are such good worker? Leave it with me, I’ll run some stats and check their numbers and I’ll get back to you.” She leaves. He throws out the graphs in the garbage and starts laughing.

Scene 10: Lady returns to her desk still huffing and puffing

The End


DISHONESTY IN THE WORKPLACE
Scene 1: Messages sent using Outlook which is internal the companies MSN Messenger.
From: Suzie Mcracken Sent: Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:32 AMTo: John Smith; Pong Li; Doogie WisemanSubject: funeral again
"The Pieman was off yesterday for a Funeral – so…the guy dies Tuesday – Wed Morning the Funeral – Yeh Right.. Italian but no wake? Suz"

From: Pong Li Sent: Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:34 AMTo: John Smith; Suzie Mcracken; Doogie WisemanSubject: Re: funeral again
"I know, I despise dishonesty. John would you like to join me in the meeting room and help me strap the balloons to my head? Pong"

From: John Smith Sent: Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:36 AMTo: Suzie Mcracken; Pong Li; Doogie WisemanSubject: Re: funeral again
AND, I’ve been to these funerals, you go for two hours at most, even for close cousins...I’ve been to four with grace...it doesn’t take the whole day!
JS

From: Suzie McrackenSent: Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:48 AMTo: John Smith; Pong Li; Doogie WisemanSubject: RE: funeral again
"Not My family
First funeral –
Then graveyard
Then back for reception – Normally a big drunk up.. Mom’s family Irish dad’s is finnish– Dan Polish…..
Suz"

The End


NO LIKEY
Scene 1: Messages sent using Office Communicator which is internal the companies MSN Messenger.

Suzie Mcracken [10:54 AM]:
You missed a good One.. Jane says anyone get a call from Jeanette Hornblower? I say yes!
Then she said, “Ask her what is wrong with her phone, she just called me twice and got cut off after I said hello?”
‎‎
John Smith‎‎ [10:57 AM]:
I don't get it...you mean she hung up on Jeanie? Oh...wait I get it...she won't deal with Sarah….
Ouch! Is she that bad?

‎‎Suzie Mcracken‎‎ [10:54 AM]:
Elroy And I started giggling, many users tell me they hang up on Sarah unless they’re desperate.
P.S. I cannot believe someone would fake a funeral to get an extra care day - I am so disgusted!”

Pong Li‎‎ [10:58 AM]:
i ask myself why?..as I strap the balloon to my head....how can ppl like him get away with so many funeral attending off dayzzzzzz

The End



DO WHAT ADULTS DO...
Scene 1: Topic with the Octo Lady who just gave birth to eight children is circulating around the Service Desk staff.

Scene 2: African American lady walks in to the room, “What are you all talking about??”

Scene 3: Asian man replies “We are talking about the VIVID deal for the lady that just gave birth to 8 kids”

Scene 4: African American lady asked “So, what is the deal?” and “deal or no deal?”

Scene 5: Asian man replied “ One Million to do an adult film”. AA lady replies “ What is an adult film? What do they do in it”

Scene 6: Asian man scratches his head to a point that he can almost smell his brain tissue on his finger nail. Smirking inwardly he replies “ Well, they usually just do what “adults” do. They are usually in action, hard to describe it in work terms. I don’t want to cause trouble.”

Scene 5: AA lady asks again “I have no idea what they do in an adult film, I just don’t?” While the Asian man smells his finger nails. Asian man just totally ignores the AA lady.

The End


IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO GO, IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE!
Scene 1: Obese man pops a blue capsule in his mouth at his desk. Sips some water and goes back to work typing with a wireless headset on.

Scene 2: Close up of a package of Xenical capsules.

Scene 3: Long fart noise. Obese man looks happy. Smiles and looks around. Then a shocked expression on his face!

Scene 4: Waddles to the washroom

Scene 5: Close up of his chair. Large oily orange stain on his chair.

Scene 6: Man is in his car. He is changing his pants. His genitalia is in the air as he tries to pull his pants on. A good looking coworker walks by and does a double take.

Scene 7: Close up of the anguish on the mans face.

Scene 8: Obese man on his cell phone, “I am now providing you with my resignation. Please do not question as to why. Just believe me when I say this is for the best.”

The End


SOCCER BALLS IN THE OFFICE
Scene 1: Help Desk environment, open concept. Man is sitting at his desk. A soccer ball suddenly drills him in the side of the head. He looks around. No one is laughing or moving.

Scene 2: His face goes red with rage and there is a purple spot on the side of his face. He gets up, tries to yank a metal folder tray on the side of his cubicle. He can’t rip it off. He looks around, one of his collegues Asian descent looks over and points to the guy behind him.

Scene 3: Man storms over to the man on the phone, slaps him as hard as he can across his face. “Don’t you ever do that again! If you ever do that again I will destroy you!” Slams door and room shakes.

Scene 4: Overweight manager with a bad toupe looks confused. “what happened?” There is mayonnaise dripping from the corner of his mouth.

Scene 5: Man with handprint on his cheek looks up…eyes watering. Lips quivering. “It was my fault. Don’t worry about it.”

The End


WAS TED ROGERS GAY?
Scene 1: An Asian Support Staff was using Rogers High Speed internet at home. All of a sudden, his connection got disconnected. Outburst of anger; profanity; then he went to bed huffing and puffing.

Scene 2: Next day, Asian man puts his phone on “not ready” and phones Rogers Support during work hours. As usually, “press 1 – English....press 2:.....etc” Asian man murmur in his mind “What the fuck is this? Fucking fucktard Ted Rogers”.......

Scene 3: Asian man finally gets connected to a Support Agent. Asian man is already huffing and puffing and blurts out in anger “Why was my internet terminated last night?” Rogers Support Agent replied: “Can I please have your name, postal code, date of birth, size of your testicle,...etc” So Asian man patiently answered all the questions. Finally Support Agent asked: “ How may I help you today?” So the already pissed off Asian man said “ My internet was disconnected last night, what the fuck is going on?” Without any sympathy from the Agent, Support Agent said “please do not swear at me or I will hang up”

Scene 4: Angry Asian man, “Listen you piece of shit, tell me why my connection was disconnected?” Agent answers, “Because you exceeded your quota, so we have decided to suspend your account” Asian man yells out loud “What the fuck?”

Scene 5: Asian man rolls his eyes and he can’t believe the answer he just got from the Support Agent. So the Asian man asks a simple question “Is Ted Rogers gay?” Support agent can’t believe he has been asked such an unprofessional question. Asian man elaborates, “The reason I am asking is because, with the service I receive from Rogers, I am constantly getting fucked in the ass and I get screw over by you, so it really only imply that Ted Rogers must be GAY...”

Scene 6: Support Agent mutes his phone and starts to laugh. His supervisor came to him and ask him why were you laughing during work in a demeaning tone of voice. Support Agent face instantly turned red and felt embarrassed, he instantly pulls out a sack of balloons, straps it on his head and pulls out a 44 Magnum and instantly blows his brains out.

Scene 7: Supervisor jaw dropped and reacted in disbelieve. “Why? Why?.....”The End

The End


SUPPORT TERMINATION ON HOLD
Scene 1: Support Staffs are complaining how cold it is in 1510-2021. A Fellow staff called facility without notifying his manager.

Scene 2: Facility came in and jacked up the temp to 75 F.

Scene 3: Support Staffs are all complaining about how HOT it is. Some even strip off their cloth and start swinging it uncontrollably. The room was so HOT, an Asian staff’s eye even changed from slanted to non-slanted.

Scene 4: The person who called Facility was instantly called in the manager’s office. While they were arguing behind closed door. Weird thing stated to happen with the rest of the staff in the Support Center.

Scene 5: Support Center staffs complained that they start getting migraine, hallucination, hot flashes... One staff was yelling out: “please get this thing out of my head” The man didn’t even finish his sentence. He pull out a Colt45 and pumped his head full of lead.

Scene 6: This act of survival seems so natural. Other people followed. One after another... Manager was shocked and he thought it was a prank at first.

Scene 7: Manager opened his door, the smell of HOT blood was unbearable. Brain were all over the place. Manager asked WHY? WHY? What have you done? Why did you turn up the heat... (after this the thermostat was never touched again...)

The End...


PRACTICAL JOKE IN TUMULTUOUS TIMES
Note: Layoffs are Imminant

Scene 1: Man dressed in police uniform is an actor. Comes in to remove a staff member saying he has been fired. (Just a practical joke)

Scene 2: Actor representing the HR department says, “We have found some files on your computer that are both unprofessional and deeply disturbing. DO the “KWAN FILES” come to mind?

Scene 3: Man screams, “We wrote a bunch of stupid jokes?”

Scene 4: HR Pro, “You are fired. Here is your letter.”

Scene 5: You are under arrest Mr. Smith

Scene 6: “My package, my package? What about my package.” Man screams and tries to fight the police as he is handcuffed…

Scene 7: They reach the front of the building, “Surprise!!” Fireworks go off, and some balloons are released into the air.

Scene 8: Man faints

The End